Mr. Heartland's keys to success

1. Question the heterosexuality of every Republican male; and to a lesser extent, every man other than yourself.
2. Drink unhealthy amounts of top-shelf liquor that you can't afford.
3. Spend hours thinking up and writing elaborate group in-jokes without any possible commercial value.
4. Retrofit a university major on top of a random portfolio of community college courses.
5. Attach the broken remnants of your youthful idealism to hopeless causes such as the Chicago Cubs and the Democratic party.
6. Break up with girlfriend because she talks too much and don't get laid for six months. (Yes it was worth it, she honestly believed she had a right to inform me of every conscious thought she had. The cell-phone bills were going to land me on the street.)
7. Make pathetic attempt to make incoherent rant look organized by putting it in list form while trying to organize structure of next elaborate in-joke.