Dé hAoine, Meán Fómhair 29, 2006

Only a dead girl or a live boy

Maf54: Show your package then

xxxxxxx: Slow things down a little im still young, like under 18. dont want to do anything illegal. Im not 18 till feb. 23

Maf54 I know
nothing will happen
just dreaming

Courtesy of Congressman Mark Foley (R-Bangkok) and one of his boys.

Déardaoin, Meán Fómhair 28, 2006

Overseen on T-Shirt

I am a Christian Competitor
My body is the temple of Jesus Christ.
I protect it from within and without. Nothing enters my body That does not honor the living God. My sweat is an offering to my master. My soreness is a sacrifice to my savior

Too hot for words.

Dé Máirt, Meán Fómhair 26, 2006

Tottenham fan

I met a Brit at the bar a couple of nights ago. Everyone around him was fascinated. It turns out, (who woulda thunk it) that Britian isn't much different from here. They get their drivers licenses at 17, they can drink at 18, they naever have and never will get over their techno phase, that's it.

The accents are interesting, let's not beat around the bush about that. My friend was a Tottenham Hotspur fan, and I was fascinated by his ability to make a three-sylable word into a monosylaible word. (toyiam)

Dé Luain, Meán Fómhair 25, 2006

Indians sure come In Handy

Poem by Simon Ortiz

There was a Greek
who was the city judge
In th late 1950's and early 60's
and he got in early
on the uranium boom business

The workers were trying to organize than,
you know.
a lot of them had come in,
miners from West Virginia, Montana,
Colorado, Oilfield workers
from Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana.
The mines were pretty dangerous, wet,
water a foot deep most of the time,

and the companies said
there just wasn't enough timbers
to go around, there were cave-ins
The companies just couldn't mine fast enough
to keep up with the demand
for yellowcake the Atomic Energy Commission
was buying and stockpiling then

The mine superintendents
and the city judge,
who was also with the Chamber of Commerce,
were all good friends, of course.
They played golf at the Zuni Country Club

During that organizing time
and during that strike in 1961,
that jail full of Indians sure came in handy.
The jailer would even call in sick for you
and tell you which mines were hiring Indians.
The unions didn't have much of a chance
and Grants just kept on booming.

Simon Ortiz is fucking amazing. That is all. Perhaps I'll have more to say on the matter at another time.

Dé Sathairn, Meán Fómhair 23, 2006

Game of Death (and action movies in general)

You have, of course, heard of this film.

Lee wrote the script himself, and took great pride in it. The plot of the movie is actually better than most martial-arts films, which is horrifying to think about.

In the movie, Lee is approached by gangsters to fight his way to the top of an aincient pagoda and steal a vast treasure. The gangsters can't use guns because they are forbidden in the temple, so they need Lee's fighting skills to rob the pagoda without breaking the law.

Lee is a good man, so of course he can't do it. Bt the gangsters kidnap his wife and child, so he has no choice. Studies have shown that female relatives of action heros have an average life span of six weeks.

So Lee and a couple of extras fight their way through five increasingly tough fighters in the pagoda on their way to the treasure. This is where we come to the money shot. Bruce motherfucking Lee vs. Kareem-Abdul Jabbar.

It's incredibly stupid, of course. (Though remember, not as stupid as the average action film) but it doesn't matter. The Lee-Jabbar fight is the coolest thing that has ever happaned. It is the reason for the big bang. Everything that has happened since the fight has just been a waste of everyone's time.
Which raises the question; why do action movies even have plots? The dialogue and acting is always laughible, so why bother? What would be wrong with a film that's nothing but two hours of men beating the shit out of each other without explanation?

Let's not kid ourselves, no one watches a Chuck Norris movie to reinforce their anti-daughter kidnapping moral position. Can we please cut the bullshit? I think the honesty of a dialogue-free male snuff film would be very liberating.

Of course, there are those who insist that every movie has to have a good guy and a bad guy, and the good guy has to win. Fine, we'll give them different colered shirts or something. Otherwise, straight to the body count baby.

Dé hAoine, Meán Fómhair 22, 2006

Hugo Chavez kicks ass

If Chavez had done nothing more than pull out a Noam Chomsky book and start awkwardly pimping it before the United Nations like he was trying to impress a clove smoking girl in his poly-sci class, that would have been enough.

( I thought the bush-Devil comparision was pretty lame. Bush is a bloody tyrant, but there have been lots of those. It doesn't make him the devil.)

But the real golden moment came later in a news conference, where Chavez expressed regret that he didn't get a chance to meet Chomsky while he was still alive.

I am only a mediocre writer, my prose cannot describe how funny this is. If you saw the news conference, and didn't consider it the funniest thing you have ever heard, I question your sanity. This is Monty Python trading jokes with Mark Twain while huffing gasoline.

Just imagine said clove smoking girl saying that she wishes she had met Noam Chomsky while he was still alive. Imagine the hilarity. Now consider the fact that a fucking head of state said this.

Senor, that kind or talk may get you kicked out of the coffee shop, but you will always be a friend of mine, stop by my place whenever you like. You'll like me, I'm as proletarian as they come.

I had matured beyond the point of stupidly rebelling against adult authority without knowing what I was rebelling against. Now I have matured some more, and I see that everyone really is an idiot, and the biggest idiots really are in charge. How reassuring.

Lincoln is fourth drunkest city in America

I never would have noticed.

I got the news from the LJS's new "402" section, the psuedo-hip suppliment that replaced the health and environment sections on Tuesday and Thursday, respectfully. It should be said that these sections were vastly superior to "Catty Girls Advise." but never mind.

Binge-drinking is on the upswing nationwide, especially on the Plains and especially in Lincoln. Illeagal drug use, meanwhile, continues to be much lower than it was in the 90's. Why not?

These are conservative times. The time for experimenting at the rave is long past. Now is the time for fitting oneself into the ever tightening box of acceptible belief and behavior. This process of euthanizing one's soul requires a healthy amount of anesthetic, and not the kind that the hippies use, what kind of sorrow do they have to drown, anyway?

But there's nothing wrong with a little alcohol? Alcohol is manly, American. We all reach for the brass ring so we can taste the champaign at the top, don't we?

"Hey there son, what a fine looking young man you are. Tie one on last night, did ya? That's all right. Nothing I didn't do when I was your age. Anyhow, it's game day! So how about a Coors Light with your breakfast?"

It's good to see fine young men sow their wild oats before it gets time to settle down and find a woman Just remember to use that killer instinct in the office, you'll really get ahead that way.

Déardaoin, Meán Fómhair 21, 2006

World Peace day

I am one of those fasting to protest the war. I did not attend the protest at the Lincoln federal building earlier, but that was because I had official school business that needed to be attended to. Mostly, i just wanted to see if I actually believed in something enough to do something about it. So far so good. I'm hitting up Ali Baba's like a motherfucker come midnight.

Dé Máirt, Meán Fómhair 19, 2006

Illeagal invasion

Some time ago, a friend of mine asked me if Lexington, Nebraska was "Still being overrun by illegal immigrants."

You could say that.

The town has nearly doubled in size in the past ten years, mainly beacuse of immigration, legal and ilegal.

Of course, no one has a problem with immigration, just illegal immigration. sure, there are complaints about having to see signs in spanish and listen to words in Spanish, and these tend to come from the same people who have been trying to force a uniformaly WASP culture on us natives for the past 300 years.

But racism has nothing to do with it.

Pity poor Lexington. If only she wern't being overrun with illegals. Than she could be just like every other small town in Nebraska; slowly atrophing as all the educated young get out of a culturally stagnant hell hole. Comforting herself with delusions of moral superiority while she fades into oblivion.

Dé Luain, Meán Fómhair 18, 2006

I am not a badass. I am badass

Friday night, tornado warning. The funnel crowd was southeast of the Lincoln city limits on NE 2. Those of us downtown had no way of knowing this, however, so the fact that ignored the sirans and continued drinking makes us too awesome for words.
For those who don't know, let me give you a brief description of central Lincoln. There is downtown, of course; well maintained public buildings in a midst of drunkeness and homelessness. I have already told you about our rush to seek shelter Friday.
Surrounding downtown are neighborhoods full of substandard housing, outright shanties, really. T-Town, North bottoms, South Bottoms, the near south.

Tornadoes are a bit overrated by those outside of the Midwest. True, if if a tornado does hit your house it will destroy it and likely everyone in it. But twisters are small, usually no more than half a mile wide. So the odds that any given tornado will hit your house are quite small.

Having said that , the urban core of Lincoln is a bit frayed at the edges, and quite vulnerable to summer weather. I can picture it right now. A super-cell forms over my neighborhood (T-Town) The rain floods Antelope Creek. A tornado forms and hits T-Town, slices through the dorms at the NU campus and on into the Bottoms. Somewhere along its path through the obsolete infrastructure, the tornado busts open a gas line, the resulting blaze incinerates the aincient wood of the cheap rentals and the tenants trapped inside. It may be a streach, but 500 dead is a possibility.

Dé Sathairn, Meán Fómhair 16, 2006

Just a Thought

Death penelty supporters will often brag about how they care about the victims more than the rest of us. Nonsense. They are in love with the idea of caring about the victims. Isn't it funny that those who fancy themselves as being so realistic about human nature believe they are capible of such strong emotions for strangers? We can all feel empathy for the dead, sure. But we cannot no truly feel a need for bloody revenge for those we do not know, at least not without the mastabatory indulgence of thinking it could have been "my daughter, son, wife" etc.

There is no such thing as human instinct. There is no human nature. There are no universal emotions or common reactions to any situation. Therefore, symphathy for a murder victim does not "naturally' lead to a desire to kill the murderer. The absense of this desire does not prove a lack of sympathy for the victims. Right-wingers should throw this pro-murder strawman in the junk heap and find some other imaginary threat to manliness to worry about.

Ultamatly, the deeper problem is that revenge does not exist. Once an evil is done, it hangs in the atmosphere forever, unccorectable. It hardly matters what we do to the evildoers, they are not important. The problem with murder is that it leaves somebody dead, not that somebody killed them.
There is no justice. There are no cosmic scales. There is no battle between good and evil. There is only public safety. A virus that kills two 90-year-olds is worse than a murderer who kills a single 5-year-old.

Dé Céadaoin, Meán Fómhair 13, 2006

goodbye mayor frumpy

The backbiting that led Lincoln Mayor Colleen Seng to drop out of the race has taught us several valuable truths.

1. it doesn't matter how much new business you bring to town. Unless you bust the city budget savishly whoring yourself out to major corporations, changing city zoning rules too please them, and offering them free roads, electricity, and plumbing, you are a filthy socialist. Developing downtown, of course, doesn't count as development at all. Only a silly woman would think that the people that matter would want to go downtown to mingle with the people that don't.

2. Politics, like life and every solitary detail of it, is a test of toughness. Mayor Seng (AKA Grandma LOL) cited "civility" as a reason for dropping out. Well good! Truth is determined by who can shout the loudest to show how outraged the are.

3. Seng's biggest weakness was her belief that Lincoln actually mattered and should stand apart from Omaha. Once again, silly womanhood. Some people actually choose to live in college towns long after they graduate for the culture and atmosphere. Fuck these pencilnecks, nothing but unproductive bookworm types. Culture and character get in the way of progress. Just five me a place where I make a phallic symbol out of my front yard and pick up some Burger King on my way to the First Resource Dynamic Solutions (TM) office at 214th and Dodge.

Dé Máirt, Meán Fómhair 12, 2006

world fails to end on 9/12

I have waited until midnight. I drank a bottle of fine-strawberry flavored "Andre" champaign to mark the occasion, but the world has failed to end. I remember that the House of Yahwah newsletter I got last month said something about the nukes starting to fall on September 12th according to Abeline Texas time. Well, Lincoln Nebraska is in the same time zone, where is your Yahwah now Hawkins? It's all over. Here we are.

Check out the BBC site to see a Kenyan branch of the HOY react to the failed prophecy.
" Kenyan joy as world fails to end."

Dé Luain, Meán Fómhair 11, 2006

Lesson in Manliness ruined by pussies

UNL Chemestry Professor John Belot Jr . (Chancellor Belot, if there was any justice in the world.) showed up to class hungover and frisky at class on Friday. He decided to hand out some large firecrakers to a few students of Chem 110, apparently leaving them to do whatever they liked with the explosives. He had been drinking at a keno bar the night before, one student said that he appeared to still be intoxicated. Another said he "swore frequently." (tut, tut.) One of these nancy-boys or girls called the campus police immediatly after class and got Belot suspended.

here's some more student quotes, courtesy of the Sept 11th (The day America turned into an old woman) Journal Star.

"He'd be lecturing, than he'd keep talking about these explosives."
"I don't know how volitile they (the firecrakers) were," 'I got the hell out of there"

Come now, waz it weally that scarwy?

We have finally bottomed out on the long slow pussification of America that George Carlin warned us about. A society this intolerant of anything that smacks of chaos or insanity simply isn't free. Sure, we may still grudgingly tolerate our naive, idealistic constitution; but what good is it if we reflexivly call the cops on every weirdo? Reflexivly vote for the safest, "mainstream" candidate and spend our evenings watching sitcoms and dramas that might be "dirty" enough to show a bra or bicep, but in the end always reinforce "mainstream" cliches?

Why have we willingly raised a generation of mental cowards? Is it because of 9/11? Or is it something deeper? Does mty parents generation really believe the the right wing when it says that civilization almost collapsed in the sixties? Do they really believe they acheived the pinnacle of hedonism, and that they must protect their children from their own supposidly wild deeds and ideas?

Nearly 70 % of the country is now opposed to the war in Iraq. It doesn't matter. Not when protesting the war or anything else is considered equivalent to raising the hammer and sickle. Not many people like John Bolton, not even many conservatives. But who was there to protest the asshole when he came to Lincoln? Only a handful of dirty hippies. What ingrates. Who publicly complains in a democracy anyway?

So here we are with a campus and country full of perfectly safe classes, perfectly safe ideas, and perfectly safe entertainment. Don't worry parents, your kids won't be wearing any weird clothes or brining any weird ideas to the dinner table. They won't think or change much at all during their six years of college. No risk, no deviance, no democracy, no problem.

5 years later

Never forget the victims. never forgive those who pimp war and death while not having the slightest clue about what to do to solve the problem.

Dé Domhnaigh, Meán Fómhair 10, 2006

Tales From the State Fair: Take 2

Have you ever been to a big arts and crafts or business expo? have you ever noticed how the people manning the booths always have those little headset mikes even though they're only talking to people that are, at most, 10 feet away. there's a purpose behind this. If the man trying to sell a home-salsa maker has a microphone, (and a big tv screen showing himself making salsa, as well as some posters of smiling families.) than he must be important, you better give him your full consideration.

I heard one of these vendors say that he likes coming to Nebraska because people arn't as skeptical here. They take his whirlpool selling lines at face value. How terribly cynical and anti-capitalist to assume that a white Christian salesman would be anything less than honest about the greatness of his sauna.

One of these Suanas had a plasma screen television behind it. I don't know why. It was showing one of the Eagles' reuinion concerts. I thought this was a nice touch. This is the kind of thing that people with Plasma-screen tvs in the sauna room actually watch. The music was, of course, utterly souless. Complete with a unifomally dressed horn section and by-thenumbers, improve free versions of all the shit you've heard a million times. Joe Walsh used to be kind of cool, does he have a coke habit to pay for?

A booth selling kitchen utensils had a poster emphesizing its belief in faith, family, and country.
Another one sai its products were made "by and for americans, any questions"?

Well, I have a couple questions. Is there a pagan anarchist kitchen utensil company that your competing against? And why are you limiting your market to the United States? Smith would be aghast.

to the cow that was so terrified by my prescence that it shat for a minute straight, I'm sorry.

Dé Sathairn, Meán Fómhair 09, 2006

Weekend News

If I have failed to pimp the House of Awesome on this blog yet, let me just offer my apoligies and say, well, it's all in the title. Also, Billy Knuckles kicks ass. Check out their MySpace page or catch their next show in the Lincoln area.

(I feel so dirty.)

Dé hAoine, Meán Fómhair 08, 2006

Tales From the State Fair`

I saw numorous absurdities at the Nebraska State Fair, too many to cover in one post. (It's Friday Night, and I pretend to have a life.) One thing that sticks in my mind, since it came at the end of my visit, was seeing Ms. LaRae Eifert working the state GOP booth in the arts and crafts expo. i noticed her blond power haircut from accross the room. She was the only Republican who ran against two Democrats for the (officially) nonpartisan seat in the state unicam for my district.

My distrct (the 46th) includes both campuses of UNL, the neighborhoods of Havelock, University place/Weslyan U., and various shanties in between. Ms. Eifert lives in the furthest northeast corner of the district, in what is easily the most affluent part. (Not that ther's anything wrong with that...) She told the Lincoln Journal Star that "unlike my opponents, I don't have some liberal agenda." She received the endorsement of the state elephants. (Remember, our statehouse is nonpartisan, all parties can do is endorse). She was also endorsed by Nebraska right to life. In most sections of Nebraska, this would be more than enough to trounce the competition. Unfortunately, a neighborhood full of college students and immigrants seemed strangely unafraid of a liberal agenda. Eifert finished dead last in the primary. So the general election will consist of hot, Democrat-on-Democrat action.

I bring up Miss. Eifert because of what she told me at the fair. I pretended to be a supporter and asked her a couple of questions about the campaign. She said that these days, even in local races, you need the money. This was a strange answer, since all of the candidates (Ms. Eifert and Ms. Carol Brown are small business owners, Ms. Danielle Nantkes is a lawyer) sit on the border line between the middle and upper class. They should have had a similar amount campaign funds. If Eiffert had milked her GOP "endorsement" for all it was worth, she could have even had an advantage in funds.

Perhaps, Ms. Eifert, you just ran into one small, glorious corner of Nebraska who won't buy your bullshit.

Dé Máirt, Meán Fómhair 05, 2006

Goodbye you batshit insane human puppy

I remember watching "Crocidile Hunter" for the first time and thinking "this man will die on television."

We all knew he would be killed by a wild animal. But the fact of the matter is that nobody, nobody dies like he did. There have only been 17 people killed by a singray, ever; and it is believed that Irwin's is the first human death-by-stingray to be caught on camera. Just think of it; this is the man who fondeled poisonous snakes, chased giant jungle cats, and offered his infant son to a crocidile as bait. After all this, he meets the statistically impossible end of catching a stingray tail square in the heart. How appropriate, perhaps, even preordained for this walking cartoon of a man. I can only hope that I can find a hobby that is equally as dangerous and amusing. It would be the only thing that can save me from a cliche death of cirrhosis.

Stay strong Terri, Steve has Jesus to protect him from himself now. Come to think of it, she wasn't there when the fatal incident happened, was she? What if? Isn't that the only hell we need?

Goodbye loco Steve
Though I never knew you at all
you had the grace to cream yourself
at the sight of those who crawled

They crawled, out of the swamp
and agents whispered into your brain
They dressed you up in Khakis,
and made you use that stupid slang

And it seems to me, you lived your life
Like dead meat in the tin
Terri wasn't there to save you
when the ray set in
and I would've liked to know you
but I'm just a dud
your candle burned out long after
we ever thought it would

Dé Luain, Meán Fómhair 04, 2006


Coffee, heavy food, deep introspection. Silence, most of all the silence. The city that caters to students. It knows we need silence. No buses, low traffic. It's never said out loud. There's no sense in trying to have an economy today. Church bells? I never notice.

But where I come from, It's always quiet. It doesn't carry the meaning, the common understanding, of the quiet here. Blue collar types, they have their days off whenever. They understand weekend, they understand Sunday, but not really. The social functions, the drinking, the work, the drinking, it can come at any time.

So my mother calls on Sundays. It's a good day to call. It's the sabbith, a holy day, a family day. But I want silence. I have my radio at a low buzz. Prairie Home Companion rerun, baseball game, nothing too challenging. Than she calls. "How's dad?" "How are the dogs?" "No, I haven't talked to my sister. Why would I?" "No, there is no special someone, once every few weeks there is a random someone. One was 19 and liked it when I..." "how's grandpa?"

And than it is done. The only sign of hangover is a brain like cement. It will take all day for me to organize what must be done tommorrow.

Dé Sathairn, Meán Fómhair 02, 2006

Saturday Caption

Nebraska state Attorney General Jon Bruning was recently forced to mimic a gay sex doll after losing a round of bridge.

Dé hAoine, Meán Fómhair 01, 2006

The Worst Place in Nebraska

Those of us who live in Nebraska often wonder which depraved, knuckle dragging hell hole is the worst. Common sense would tell us that this must be somewhere in the Sandhills; where tiny villages are seperated by 50 miles of grass, ranchers live with delusions of being English aristocracy, and everyone lives under rules that we aren't meant to understand and would do well not to ask about.

A nice wild card would be the Omaha exurbs, say Elkhorn or Gretna. Here we have gentlemen who keep camo-colored hunting equipment in their $20,000, immaculate garages. They might even go hunting one or two days a year, as long as they can take the kids along and pretend that they have any tradition or culture. These are the assholes who keep both talk radio and classic rock radio in business, so that "More Than A Feeling" is actually played more today than when it was on the charts.

It's been said before by smarter people, but baby boomers truly are assholes. Not my parents of course, but everyone else's. The sense of entitlement is obsene. Millions of people who truly believe they earned the $500,000 plastic box they live in, who make a wreck of the future secured for them by their fathers and promised to their children. These West Omaha types, especially, consider themselves country boys. They live in Nebraska after all. Real country boys, however, don't mind driving two hours to get to town. Contrast this with the truly demonic anger seen in the faces of a typical Millard driver stuck in one of Omaha's 10-minute "traffic jams". "Why the fuck does it take so long to get to Ruby Tuesday's? Don't the laws of physics have any idea who I am?"

But where was I?

Aw yes. I'm afraid that not even this concrete and golf course shithole qualifies as the worst place in Nebraska. This would be Falls City, halfway between Kansas City and Omaha in the southeast corner of the state.

First of course, there is the Teena Brandon murders. Who could forget this inspirational stand for traditional values? In fairness, it's not as if John Lotter and Tom Nissen would have been perfectly nonviolent if not for a little intolerance. These are truly fucked up dudes who likely would have slaughtered anyone who went near Lotter's ex-girlfriend. The real black mark to Falls City was the way Brandon was treated by local authorities after he was raped. (Why do you make girls think you're a guy?" "Do you kiss them.?") The sheriff's department, as you know, did nothing to protect Brandon until he and two other people were dead. Local authorities did do a good job of prosecuting the killers. Dead bodies, after all, don't have weird and unnatural desires .

A decade later, it's third world style wedding bells. Yes, the Koso wedding, in which a 21 year old married his pregnant, pubesicent sweetheart. It might have been the biggest news in the state during the second half of last year. And why not? There was controversy, after all, about whether or not the elder Koso should go to jail.

What's that you say? "Why the hell was there any controversy? He's a fucking child molestor!" Calm down. You see, marriage means something round these here parts. Many of the Koso's family and neighbors were angered that a man would be locked up by the state instead of being left alone to take care of his family. True, most of these same people would be loudly demanding his execution if he buggered a 13-year old boy. True, you can bet your Cadillac that everyone in Falls City voted for DOMA, so that two 40-year-old gay lovers can't get so much as common dental insurance in this state. What can I say? Marriage means something around these parts. Our purpose in life, especially for a female, is to reproduce and fullfill our natural gender roles. So what if little Peggy got a head start? What else was she going to do, go to college? Tut, tut. Mothers who send their daughters to college will never be grandmothers. They just end up with bitter ungrateful socialists who can't even make it back to Falls City for Christmas.

Now we have the story of an unfortunate incident with Falls City police. For a change, , this story doesn't involve ignorance, intolerance, or inbreeding, just stupidity.

It involved the arrest of one Ann Marx, a middle aged woman with a pill problem. The local authorities somehow got word that she was planning to score some blues from a Falls City nursing home resident.

So naturally, they treated this border-line felony as if it was bin Laden trading coke for favors at the local grade school. They hid behind bushes, and talked code to each other in that real cool cop talk. When Marx emerged, they swooped down with guns drawn. For reasons that aren't entirely clear, a deputy named Tom Landis fired his gun into Marx's head and killed her. (Case under investigation, details suspisciously hazy.) The case has been more complicated by the grandstanding of state Attorney General Jon Bruning, who overdramatized a routine gag order from a local judge.

But none of this is important. The important thing is that Falls City is safe from a shifty Xanex head. "You know, they got drugs up there in the city, they sell drugs. Good thing Sheriff nipped this thing in the bud"

Worst place in Neb... the entire Midwest.