Dé hAoine, Meitheamh 30, 2006

I have nothing to write

I've spent the last two days writing about the Nebraska drought, I'm wrote out. I guess I should congratulate the Supreme Court for striking down Gitmo tribunals, but I'm just not very inspired. It's fucking hot, you know how heat makes one not want to do anything but sleep, drink and fuck.

In truth, I am more inspired by bad news and the stupidity of those who disagree with me than I am by good news. I know it's not right, but yes, yes it is. Maybe I should go visit FreeRepublic. The sight of countless self-appointed defenders of American manhood trying to get themselves hard with outrage should give me some material. Or maybe I'll just play some pong instead.

Dé Céadaoin, Meitheamh 28, 2006

Does Anyone Know Where to Find This Movie? (For Cheap?)

On second thought, fuck it, I'll just get the poster.

Dé Luain, Meitheamh 26, 2006

A word on Connor Oberst

I was thinking about going to the free Bright Eyes concert in Omaha, but I was invited to a party, and I am at best a lukewarm fan, so I went to where the licquor was. In truth, there are only a handful of Bright Eyes songs that I actually like, while there are several that are quite wretched. I'm refering to the west Omaha sprawl concept album in particular. It is over-simplistic to describe Oberst as "emo". His self-description as a folk singer is actually closer to the truth. But this album sounded like a South Park parody of emo. The insanity of West Omaha can only be properly described through skillful satire. But Oberst is only capible of one flavor, earnestness. There is nothing wrong with earnestness, in fact I could use some myself. In the right context, (Lua) Oberst can be deeply moving with his earnestness. But a one trick pony is bound to be inconsistent.
Anyway, I'm mentioning the boychild mainly because of a story I heard a few weeks back. I spoke to someone who had been at one of Bright Eyes's Sokal Hall shows. He claims that Oberst walked of stage for a few minutes, than stumbled back on with a heroin tourniquet still attached to his arm. My friend disaproved.
I on the other hand, see this as a good thing. Oberst is older than I am. (He's 26) It's about damn time that he stopped slouching in public and stop combing his hair in that damn waterfall. Than again, if he likes the junk, than his slouching is more understandible. At any rate, I was glad to hear the story. Oberst should write an entire double album about his love for hard drugs. It would show his critics that he understands Rock'n'Roll is a man's game, and he just might teach a valuable lession to the mopey kids in the crowd.

Dé Sathairn, Meitheamh 24, 2006

The Existence of Budweiser Must be Hidden From the Outside World

The World-Herald felt the need today to defend American culture from some Germans who are distressed over the World Cup making sponsership deals with Mc'Donalds and Budweiser. The W-H apperently blames anti-American snobishness for these perfectly understandible concerns. "Imagine the reaction had America somehow won soccer's biggest prize" they say.

First of all if the U.S. won the World Cup, no one would notice. They would be too busy morning the sudden deaths of the other 30 teams in plane crashes. Second of all, there is nothing intrinsically anti-American in saying that Mc'Donalds is shit food and Budweiser is shit beer. I'm an American, and I can tell you as much, because it is not my snobbish opinion, but objective fact. Atoms are mostly empty space, the formula for water is H2O, Mc'Donalds is shit food. There are some who believe that our corporate bahemaths "represent" American culture instead of suck the life out of it. These people are called "suckers".
It is not as if we don't have a grand national culture and interesting regional variations, we do. The problem is that multi-billion dollar giants cannot "represent" this culture. There is a real American crusine that is equal or better than anything in Europe. Mc'Donalds ain't it. There are hundreds of small local breweries making beer that rivals Germany's best. Budweiser is absofuckinglutely not it.
I am not anti-capitalist, and I don't hate Mc'Donalds. I put Mc'Donalds food on the same level as Raman Noodles; except it's ten times more expensive and ten times less nutritious. Have you ever eaten Bratwurst or Sauerkraut? To say that a 10 course German meal is superior to Mc'Donalds is like saying that Strychnine is unhealthy.
Unfortunately, I can't bring myself to feel anything but burning rage for Budweiser. An ice-cold Bud that's been left in the fridge for six hours might taste like something vaguely resembling flat beer. As for Bud Light? Let's be clear, if you drink Bud Light, you are morally inferior to a rapist. You will rue the day when I'm in charge; there is only one final solution for Bud Light drinkers. If you can't afford something decent (Lincoln's own Empryan brew cost only a dollar more per six pack) than go for Steel Reserve. None of this middle-of-the-road, fauxhawk, karaoke night at Brother's shit. Trying to defend the Anheuser-Busch corperation is like shitting on the flag. Budweiser is the worst thing this country has ever done. Small-Pox blankets are a distant second.

Dé hAoine, Meitheamh 23, 2006

Friday Fun Facts.

You know Gene, the guy on The Sopranos who hung himself at the beginning of this season? Remember how he stayed alive for nearly five minutes afte jumping off the crate, futilily tugging at the noose? Well, old Gene is a good reminder of what happens when we don't know how to kill ourselves properly. It also shows why knowing' one's history matters.
Hanging as a quick and painless form of execution is actually a fairly modern invention. The trap door "drop" in a gallows wasn't invented until the 18th century. This innovation causes instant death via a severed spinal cord. In the old days, however, this was far from the case. hanging victims didn't usually choke to death per se. Their breathing was restricted enough to add to the general discomfort, but not totally cut off. What usually killed them was the constriction of the jugular veins while the carotid artery continued to pump blood into the brain. This caused the brain to become engorged with unoxygenated blood until the victim eventually died from hundreds of micro strokes and aneuryisms. Sometimes, both the jugular and carotid were constricted, causing the brain to slowly starve. Notice the words I emphasized. If the hangman was really sloppy, an old-fashioned lynching could take more than an hour.
Simply put, a medieval hanging is hardly any better than crucifixion. And yet, this is what thousands of people who choose to suicide by hanging do to themselves. Eugene's five- minute "hangman's hornpipe" dance was actually much quicker and prettier than what really happens. Unless you want to go through the trouble of building a professional gallows, I would strongly advise against going out this way. If it seems like your life is out of control, nobody understands, and you just want all your troubles to go away; please, think overdose.

Déardaoin, Meitheamh 22, 2006

Happy Summer Solstice

I celebrated the 9:30 P.M. sunset by drinking Lenie's Berrywise on the roof of my apartment house. Then i went outside and danced in the rain when the storm came at around 10:30. There is nothing like a hard rain at the end of a hot summer day.
The beauty of the moment reminded me of the first day of spring. I happened to be outside when the sun broke out for the first time since the spring break blizzard. It was about 4:30 P.M. on the Vernal Equinox. That day began at about 20F and the temperture had climbed to near 40 by sunset. The next day it was over 50 and the foot of snow was melting nicely. This was a truly spiritual 24 hour period.
Summer, on the other hand, is all about pagan debauchery.

Dé Máirt, Meitheamh 20, 2006

Pete Ricketts Quote (No Comment necessary)

Omaha World Herald- 6/20/2006

"Ricketts, who has said he is worth between $45 million and $50 million, is the son of the founder of the onlne stockbroker Ameritrade. He contendedthat Nelson had raised $10 million since 1995 in political campaings for the Senate. 'That doesn't come for free. That means he's got special intrest who got his ear,' Ricketts said.
But he acknowledged he is raising money from political action commitees- often linked to businesses, advocacy groups or assotiations that lobby Congress-and asserted that's different from Nelson's fundraising activities.
'The PACs give me money because they believe in me because they know that, with my own means, I'm not going tobe someone who is beholden to somebody because they wrote me a check.'"

Dé Luain, Meitheamh 19, 2006

Unchanging values

With heresy, homosexuality, and general filthiness dominating our once great society, there is comfort in the knowledge that here in the Heartland, we still realize that marriage vows are a sacred oath to God. Peg Harriot, executive director of the Omaha YWCA, wrote a guest column for the World-Herald on Saturday. She wrote about wives who stood by their men despite what may have been overzealous discipline by their heaven-ordained masters. The women she cites (humble enough to accept psudonyms) are a powerful example to misguided libertarians who wonder why these dodly wives don't "just leave"

"Rachel still believes in her boyfriend's ability to change. She knows that he really doesn't want to hurt her. She sees that he really doesn't like himself when he explodes. She loves him and wants to give him another chance."
"Diane sees how good her husband is with her two sons. They love him, and they need a father. She is relieved that he is not lashing out at them, only her."
"Jane commited to marriage until 'death do us part.' Her church community encourages her to keep trying-divorce will result in rejection from her church."
"Tamora grew up with a father who beat her mother and the kids to keep everyone in line. She knows no other way, isn't that what happens in all families?"
"Emma is so beaten and tired she can barely think straight. She had difficulty sleeping, and she is easily overpowered. beerhas helped numb the pain. If she lays low, doesn't question anything, and lets him 'have his way with her,' she gets beaten less.
"Connie realizes she must leave; she is very sad, lonely, and terrified at what the future will bring. When she and her two children walk away, they will be leaving their home, their personal treasures, the toys, a father, financial stability, health insurance, grandparents for the kids, schools and Connie's part-time job. She doesn't know if her family will support her or not. They have been clear that they expect her to make the marriage work."

Some may find her examples disturbing. I, however, am filled with gratitude that I live in a state that recognizes the unguestionable truth of traditional values. Women are meant to reproduce and serve. Thank God we don't have any of those hairy-pit femi-nazis from California out here teaching our women that they have "rights'.
http:// www.omaha.com/index.php?u_pg=609&u_sid=2190352

Dé Domhnaigh, Meitheamh 18, 2006

World Cup Update

Kudos to the U.S. team for hanging tough yesterday despite getting shafted by the ref. Whatever happans Thursday, this has to go down as one of our all-time great efforts.
You know how tough the Italians can be...

Dé hAoine, Meitheamh 16, 2006

Mr Heartland Auditons for the Onion: Take 2

Supreme Court Rules That 4th Amendment Violates Founders Original Intent

Oklahoma Rep Declares Unity More Important Than Being Right or Wrong About War
(This really happened)

Chambers Has U.N.O. Shut Down Over Slap Incident
Omaha branch of University closed for three months, first noticed yesterday.

Nebraskans confused by Hahn's Stand on "Issues"
"What does he think about queers and spics?" they ask.

Déardaoin, Meitheamh 15, 2006

The N.U. board of regents is raising tuition again/ merry christmas

Some may question the wisdom of creating a nation full of high-school educated, ununionized serfs beholden to their corporate masters. These people have no appreciation for discipline. Just look at the kids in your hometown who went to college, they act so uppity, don't they? They never would have gotten those weird, pagan ideas in their heads if it wasn't for college. It would be far better if they stayed home and settled down. We must all settle down. We will make higher education unattainable for you. We will cut taxes for the rich so that they can give you a shit job they know you can't refuse. Any extra money we do have will be indulged on the police and military. Our media will echo stories of the same handful of child molestors over and over again until you think everyone outside of your church is a child molestor. This way you will accept how we spend the public money. You claim to vote for us because you respect tradition; that you fear terroists, criminals, and homosexuals. This may be true, but deep down, you vote for us because you recognize the need for discipline. You obey the president. You obey the sheriff. You obey your boss. In return, you receive obedience from your wife and children. If we are allowe free free thought, who knows what might happen? Your children may start talking back/castrating you. Hell, who knows what the mrs. would have said to your proposal if she had a real choice. Meanwhile, you would still have to work 12 hours a day in the pig shit factory, with no compensation to look forward to at home. We must all settle down.

Dé Céadaoin, Meitheamh 14, 2006

Post for the sake of a post

I am doing a story on the current Nebraska drought for my Jour204 class. so far i have found out that the climate is only going to get hotter and windier. Winters will be shorter,(preventing the ground from freezing and perserving soil moisture) the Ogalala aquafer is going dey, and no one in any postion of authority knows what to do about it beyond hoping that nature suddenly bestows mercy on its playthings.

By the way, have you ever heard of Buffalo Commons? You may have heard that it was a secret communist/United Nations/ACLU/satanis plot to steal land from farmers and ranchers on the western plains. Actually, the idea entails establishing a huge nature reserve after said farmers and ranchers leave of their own volition. it was presumed that the old Great American desert prophecy would come true; that the western plains had to few resources to support large-scale agriculture and would eventually be incapible of supporting anything approaching modern civilization. This idea grows less radical by the year. Omaha, Lincoln, and other mid-sized cities on the edge of the prairie should be o.k., though they will take on the same weird vibe as a generic desert suburb popping up in the Nevada badlands. We're already half-way there.

Dé Luain, Meitheamh 12, 2006

Paul Krugman's bullshit detector is nearly as strong as mine

I can't link to a TimesSelect article without sicking the suede denim secret police on myself. But if you have a Select subscription, I highly recommend that you read what the last liberal economist has to say about "some democrats". I have nothing clever to say about it, I spent five hours on an assignment that was given today and is due tomarrow. Just an Old Style or Two and some tenticle porn and than it's off to bed.

World Cup Summary

The Czech Republic has proven itself to be the greatest nation on Earth. We have no choice but to surrender to superior beer and horrifying absurdist literature.

Dé Domhnaigh, Meitheamh 11, 2006

World Cup Post (Why the Hell not?)

Team U.S.A. plays the Czech Republic; one of my ancestral motherlands, tomarrow. I predict a tie. You can do that in soccer. Isn't that cool? The purpose of this post, such as it is, is to discuss changing cultural attitudes about the game.
Soccer's place in mainstram American society has improves from hostility to indifference. However, there are still right-wing radio and internet trolls who still think that soccer is a game played by dirty foreigners. They reason that since soccer is not genericly American, it must be anti-American. I have even seen some internet posters say that soccer is a sport for sissies, even "gay". complete with hilarious pictures of crotch-holding and de-pants footballers. On the other hand, we Americans (or the portion of Americans who are real Americans) watch real games played by real men.
There are some smart-ass hippie types who claim that simply admiring another man's manhood is gay. Certainly not. I pay a hundred dollars to watch strong young black man pound each other in pursuit of domination and bond with their equally manly teamates on the field. What could be less gay than that? All those queers and long-haired foreign wakos out there just need to watch a lonn, hard-fought, sweaty American football game to understand what real fucking manhood is about.

Dé Sathairn, Meitheamh 10, 2006

Notes From the Celebrate Lincoln Festival

1. I regret to inform you that I sold out to the man. I bought two cups of three dollar, "International" beer. The selection offered by the "International" booth was made up mostly of Guiness, Warsteiner, Red Stripe, and other brands that our widely available in any college-town bar. But what could i do? The organisers had siged a usery contract with beer and soft drink companies, so outside drinks wern't allowed. It was beastly hot, and not having some form of alcohol was unthinkable because
2. Electric soul method is the best band in town. Thsy happan to be an all-white funk band, not there's anything wrong with that. At any rate, the vocalist/sax player looks like Mickey Rourke; which gives them a faint air of dirtiness.
3. This is supposed to be a "multicutural" festival (try baklava with chopsticks.) However, the workers who manned the African, South Asian, and Hawaiian booths were clearly Anglo-Saxon.
4. Native/Indians refered to themselves as "Natives" and to their food as "Indian Tacos". Native Americans did not invent the taco. Nor did they invent sour cream and shredded cheese.
5. Why were there fucking ponies? This isn't the state fair. There is no excuse for having a pile of horse shit right in the middle of downtown. Just imagine the disgrace if Dysentery breaks out in an American city.
6. All in all, no where near as lame as North Platte's Nebraskaland Days

Dé Céadaoin, Meitheamh 07, 2006

Walker Tire Ad: Page 13, Lincoln Journal Star

Arab Stereotype # 1. (Riding camel with sunglasses-ho ho) We've got the whole world mad at us about our oil prices Arab Stereotype # 2: Except Walker Tire customers-They get free Oil Changes for the Life of their tires!

Wow, the layers of ignorance are incredible. First of all, Lincoln has the biggest middle eastern immigrant community in the state, and they have cars to. Smooth move Walker Tire. Second of all-it's not the fucking oil changes that have me eating raman. Third, their are a variety of reasons for the uptick in oil prices; supply and demand being the biggest one. OPEC has a monopoly because we Americans have accepted years of auto industry propaganda that taught us that spending billions on roads and securing oil supplies was . American and Capitalist, while riding bikes or solor cars was for hippies and homos. Finally, racist imagery can do so much better...

Dé Máirt, Meitheamh 06, 2006

Dé Luain, Meitheamh 05, 2006

Summer School rulez

My Journalism 204 class is being taught by (shudder) a T.V. anchor, but he's tolerable enough. And I like the idea of doing a news story in lue of a final exam. I'm thinking of doing something about the history of my neighborhood (T-Town) or general poverty in Lincoln; I could interview myself. Than again, if anyone out there has a grandad who fucked Hitler, let me know.

Dé Domhnaigh, Meitheamh 04, 2006

I go on long walks for exercise

Today I walked on 14th from campus to Van Dorn and back. I highly recommend this activity. One can get a very good look at the different faces of Lincoln this way. Downtown, the ghetto (The rather mild Nebraska version, at least.), from G to South, and than the old "rich neighborhood" from South to Highway 2. This strech is mostly older, upper-middle class people now. I do believe I saw a street prostitute at around Washington Street, but don't quote me here. In other news, I am still hung over 18 hours after my last drink.

Dé Sathairn, Meitheamh 03, 2006

Facing damnation like a man

Some seek connection to mainstream society through religion. This is simply not an option for me, so I choose baseball. This is probably why I can sense the smell of doom permiating Lincoln better than most.

You see, this year's U.N.L. baseball team was supposed to be the chosen one. They started off even better then last year's best-ever team. They swept an Alabama team that won the S.E.C. ; American college baseball's equivalent to La Liga. But woe, at the end of the season, they started to sputter.

Now they have lost the first game ot their own regional tournament. True, the tournament is technically double-elimination. So all we have to do is win four consecutive games in three days and we'll be just fine. Of course, we only have three good unused pitchers left. So that even if everything does go to plan we will probably have to start Joba Chamberlin on two days rest in the last game. Sure, this has been done before; back in the Monty Python handlebar mustache days when 100-pound 30-year-old men would strike out on 70 m.p.h. fastballs.

Now is the time that tries mens souls. I am a Democrat, and no stranger to defeat. I shall accept whatever random fate the universe spits out. But it is sad that, on the one occasion when I ally myself with the jock class, that they choose to fail me. Than again, if we do manage to win four games in three days, please disregard the previous statement.

Déardaoin, Meitheamh 01, 2006

Xenophobes have a Strange View Of Reality

Letter To The Lincoln Journal-Star: May 30, 2006

I read with interest Justin Firestone's letter' "The color of Immigrants" (LJS, May 25) I have no objection to "dark-skinned Spanish-speaking choizo bearers" legally entering the United States.
I do object to "dark-skinned Spanish-speaking members of the MS-13 gang bearing crystal meth,heroin, terrorism, and possibly the avian flu" entering this country illegally.

Well, let's do this point by point. First of all, the MS-13 gang is a street gang, period. Good? No. Worse than your friendly local chapter of the Crips? No. They actually formed in L.A, as a confederation of Salvadorian immigrants (both legal and illegal, it doesn't matter on the street) who organized for the purpose of defending themselves on L.A.'s famously balkanized streets. It was only a matter of time before they started pimping and dealing crank; California is a bastion of free enterprise. The only reason why there are MS-13 members doing the Logan's Run accross the Arizona desert is because some uninvited immigrant members of the Salvadorian gang have been caught and sent back to El Salvador; where they then recruted members who proceeded to head north. May the circle be unbroken. There have been some rumors that the gang is affiliated with Al-Quida. (Which explains the terrorism charge in the letter) There is no evidence whatsoever that this is true. There are those who believe that every man, woman, and child who does not live between the Rockies and the Mississipi is a terrorist. Some of these people buy their crystal-meth from MS-13. May the circle be unbroken.

It is true that there is a large amount of crystal passing through Yuma as we speak. Why is this the case? Is there a secret conspiracy to polute our white women so badly that they are left incapable of producing future Huskers? Well, no. If you are old enough to read this, you will remember the that the methamphetamine "epidemic" started about ten years ago.

The truth of the matter is that there was no sudden explosion in meth-addicts in the mid nineties. There have always been tweakers digging through your trash. Meth is as Nebraskan as a cheeseburger and Old Style on a summer night. But Sheriff Departments and Highway Patrols needed something to justify their funding; and marijauna just wasn't scary enough any more. And so we saw the stories of teenagers being corrupted and horrifying pictures of girls-next doors smoking themselves into mummies. Sure enough, the police got their money, and their swat/sort/go teams proceeded to scour the hills for meth-labs.

To their credit, the police did shut down a large percentage of the meth-labs in the midwest. But of course the market was still there, and foreign entrepreneurs were happy to fill the niche.
I share the letter-writer's concern on this matter. It's the biggest national disgrace since the rise of the Japanese auto industry. But the solution is not to wall off the border. For God's sake man; are you some sort of anti-trade communist? We can revive local meth production by reducing regulations and cutting funding to government bureaucracy. The State Patrol in this case.

As for the bird-flu concern, I'm not even going to joke. This is naked racism. Unless you live under the reverse-P.C. logic that there is no such thing as racism, than what other explanation could there be? The writer is openly stating that foreigners are "dirtier" than real Americans. True, those in the third world do not have the luxury of a daily shower. But let's not kid ourselves. On the biological level, this doesn't mean much. Humans who live in the heart of civilization are just as filthy as every other living thing. We are nothing but jungles for parasites.. with blogs. As a matter of fact, we are more likely to spread the bird-flu to Latin America than vice- versa. Either because of a bird migrating from Siberia to Alaska, or a sick soldier coming home from the Mid-East, or a jet-setting continental catching the bug in Paris and bringing it to New York.

In closing, let me suggest that if you have a problem with our immigration policy, you will have to do better than to sight some obscure right-wing mindfear trick. Otherwise losers like me will spend the early hours of the morning picking your letter apart.