Dé Céadaoin, Bealtaine 31, 2006

Too Short For Buttsex/Manufactured outrage, nihilism, and servitude

I'm sure you have all heard by now about the Sidney child molestor who was granted mercy by a local judge. First of all, I should state my belief that his sentence was too leniant and that Attorney General Bruning's appeal of the sentence is justified. Now let's get to what is really important.

Is it possible to suggest that there is fanaticism involved with the current anti-child molester pusch without being accused of being pro-child molestor? Let's be honest. There is a high degree of possibility that you accuse me of being such simply because I made the suggestion.

Consider the fact that the petite pervert's crimes our being highlighted on Fox News and its website. The earthquake in Indonesia that killed thousands was not. Consider the fact that a North Carolina woman felt the need to write a letter to today's Journal Star in order to lecture us over our lack of opposition to prepubesant penetration. I can only hope that she has no personal obligations; that she has devoted at least as much concern to her own state and local governments as to the misguided altruism of one of our judges. Consider the numorous letters to the editor about the increases rates of child molestation, when in fact the levels of reported child rape are decreasing. We are only more likely to hear about the incidents that do happen.
Have we reached a point where we are not allowed to suggest that the "natural" death of an adult is worse than the rape of a child? have we built a society that is so shallow and nihilistic, so concerned with being hard, that it can only express its love for good indirectly through its hatred of evil? There are hundreds of wrongful convictions and wrongful aquitals. At least they (presumably) got the verdict right in this case.
Do not live under the delusion that human criminals are the only disruption to an otherwise just universe. The world is absurd. "Justice" is a human abstraction that nature refuses to recognize. Whether one is a good or bad person has little or nothing to do with whether or not one will live a pleasent life. Cancer, AIDS, living to be 110 after you have seen everyone you've ever known leave before you. All of these ends are worse than anything Ted Bundy could do to you. Our fixation with human-caused suffering is childish and naive. I believe in good and evil people. But I despise the notion that the conflict between good and evil is fundamentally important to the universe.
But I am just a poor student that nobody listens to. So we will continue to pass residency restrictions that do nothing for either child safety or public safety in general. We will justify them by proudly stating our indiffrence to a molestor's comfort; whether or not anybody actually brought this up. We will pry into our neighbors personal histories and freely offer our own histories to them. We will gladly increase state power, and embrace authority for our protection. All this to advance the comforting lie that the world's suffering is contained solely in persons of flesh and bone who can be controlled.

Dé Luain, Bealtaine 29, 2006

Hail To The Gods

I am the priest of the Nebraska state penis. It is I who have summoned the rain. With my secret incantations I have commanded Flatwater's granite manhood to thrust itself into the air and pleasure mother Sky to orgasm. The great thunder god Ernie Chambers stared down from his throne at the peak of the Woodman Tower and declared that it was good.

Dé Domhnaigh, Bealtaine 28, 2006

What Memorial Day means

Remember kids, Memorial Day is not chance too say "thank you to our men and women in uniform" unless they're dead. One can not"memorializa" those who are not dead. So if you or someone you know has a loved one in the military, and he/she is still alive, don't worry about it. It's not their holiday. Also bear in mind that the troops are not fighting and dying for
The Indianapolis 500
Our "way of life"

Dé Sathairn, Bealtaine 27, 2006

Holiday in the hometown

I've been in North Platte since Thursday, and plan to head back on Monday. I met an old friend who offered to take me camping yesterday, but I didn't come all the way here just to be away from the family all weekend, plus I rode hera in my sister's car.
Lasr night was truely bizarre, I started by litearlly wondering around town aimlessly. I went to the bar that my friend used to run and learned that it had closed down within weeks of losing his mastery in alcohol services. After this, I went to a place called the den at the town's major intersection. There I saw an old classmate tending bar on his first night there. three I also discovered that my long-lost ex-girlfriend also worked there. Five or six more old friends and schoolmates showed up within three hours. It was surreal. Since I left the sticks, I have fallen out of the habit of expecting to meet someone I know whenever I go out in public. One cannot know how much of a circle jerk a small town really is unless one has experienced it. Another interesting thing is the timelessness of North Platte. The place never changes, the people never change. This is both comforting and quite sad.

Déardaoin, Bealtaine 25, 2006

A Brief History of Tag, Chapter 2: The Will to Power

And it came to pass that the father figures gained empires, and tribes grew into nations. The greatest of these was Egypt, where the "father" was called Pharoh, who openly claimed to be a God. But this "God" lived in fear of a society of even more powerful men.
Thousands of years before the first Pharoh dared to crown himself, the land now called Egypt was nothing but an extension of the surrounding wasteland. There was no river Nile, and nothing alive larger than a dust mite. But all primitive folk who than lived recorded in their own way the huge flash of light and cosmic boom that shook the whole world. It was a great spaceship, piloted by a group of nihilistic space dadiasts from Andromada. Their intent was to enslave the primative inhabitants of Earth and force them to carve a great river in the middle of the desert. They believed that this ultimate absurdity would shock Andromada out of its false consciousness.
But lo, the kings and priests of the world were trapped in their own propaganda. They rebelled against the aliens commands, and doomed their subjects to one surrealistic massacre after another. Great Ur was showered with flaming sides of beef named Rufus. The children of Babylon were forced to dress as priest while they dug their own graves with phallic red lobsters. In this manner the whole of the human race was endangered.
Had the space invaders never come upon those of the tag,(It would, of course, be many centuries before they named themselves thus) than our sorry history would be a story of pathetic death instead of pathetic survival. But the gallatic aliens were impressed with our indifference to the foolish power structures of society. A conference was held between the aliens and the proto-awesome and the taggers were impressed by the artistic merit of the proposed Nile River.
I tell you truly, my comarades, that we dug the great Nile with our bare hands, and accepted the beatings of our alien masters with pleasure. Through a hundred years and five generations did we labor, and when we were done, so were we rewarded.
People were brought to live on the newly fertile ground, and they were given an overlord to make them feel comfortable. This overlord came to be called "Pharoh" and some grew to be quite arrogant. But only a doomed handful dared to challange the power of the Egyption priests. These priests, as you may have already guessed, were in fact the elders and leaders of the Tag, which was starting to take its modern shape. You may have also guessed that the "gods" these prists prayed to were nothing but the alien art-school dropouts who mandated the creation of Egypt. Any Pharoh who dared to challenge this alliance faced a death thatwas both horrible and absurd.
There are those who belieed that the Egyptian pristhood died out with the rise of Christianity. This is a half-truth.....

Dé Céadaoin, Bealtaine 24, 2006


I am stuck in the process of trying to think up the next chapter of a History of Tag. I'm still thinking Egypt. So far I've researched aliens building the pyramids Sex among Egyption Gods, the Freemasons, and the Hyskos. Any suggestions for how to put it all toghether?

Dé Máirt, Bealtaine 23, 2006

Logical Argument Uber Alles

Terrence Reis wrote a column to the Journal-Star today disputing Police Chief Tom Cassady's opposition to concealed weapons. Lets just do a quick summary of statements that would get Mr. Reiss a failing grade in any High School Philosophy or Rheteroric class.

" Let's face it: Mayor Seng can help our chief get things for his department and officers, or not. Concerning the survey performed by one of Casady's officers, I believe these results are flawed. It has been found that surveys to law enforcement personel are biased. Why? Possible retribution.

Here we have a combination of strawman and circular reasoning. Reis begins by demurring with what he believes to be Casady's secret motivation instead of what he actually wrote. As for circular reasoning, this is more or less what Reis is saying
'Police don't want you to have concealed guns, therefore they slant their polls so that you don't know they really want you to have concealed guns."

"He also mentions that handguns get turned on their owners and that accidents and mistakes do happen. In the chief's line of thinking, than, we should no longer allow people to get driver's licenses. Driving should be banned, cars kill people."

I can see whether or not you are currently driving a car. I can also see whether or not a given driver appears enranged, insane, drunk, or some combination of all three. This is also the first of several times in the article where Reis argues as if carrying a concealed gun is the only possible means of carrying a gun.

"Who will be applying for concealed carry permits? According to records of other states that allow concealed carry, your typical red-blooded American, both men and women. From doctors and lawyers to teachers and business owners to ..."

In logic, that which is "normal" is irrelevant. I am not personally a "red-blooded American" and neither is anyone else in my neighborhood. I have less trust for red-blooded Americans than I do for any other class of people.

" You cannot depend on the police to protect you. Unless they live in your house, share your bed or socialize with you 100 percent of the time. It is impossible for them to do so"

True enough, one would do well to have some means to defend oneself. However, what we have here is what is known as 'begging the question'. Reiss argues as if there is no question that a concealed gun is the only, or at least the best, means of self-defense. I would like to offer the following list of alternatives, all of which are, in my opinion, superior means of self-protection.
1.An unconcealed gun
2. An unconcealed knife
3. A chainsaw (Don't even bother trying to hide it.)
4. Bottle Rockets
5. A brick
6. A shoe
7. Empty 40 oz.
8. Everclear to the face.
9. Mason jar full of semen.
10. Shitzou to the face
11. Electric bass guitar
12. Your bare fists you fucking pussy

"Another example of their inability to protect you is the countless numbers of women with court-issued restraining orders killed every year throughout the country by stalkers , ex-husbands and ex-boyfriends. Simply put, you are on your own. We all are."
Once again, this is true enough. It is also true that these attacks often occur in the victim's home, where the question of allowing concealed weapons in public doesn't apply. Otherwise, see the list above. By the way, conjuring images of damsels in distress to make your point is the classiest thing I've read all week. The last three paragraphs are nothing but an endless blur of fallacy.
I think the greatest disappointment to me in the chief's remarks is that generally a paints a picture of the average citizen of Lincoln an an idiot, incapible and reckless. It is easy for the chief and law officers to say no to concealed carry, Since most carry off duty. they have the means to protect themselves and those they love, which they want to deny you and your family. They are safe because they have their weapons. They don't want you to have the same safe feeling you enjoy."
Let's deal with the most obvious bullshit first. "It is easy for the chief and law officers to say no to concealed carry, since most carry off duty." Notice that when Reis states that "most carry off duty" he doesn't mention anything about concealed carry. Yes, that's right, it's possible to carry a gun without hiding it. Reis wrote as much himself without somehow realizing it. There is also a more subtle fallacy, "They are safe because they have their weapons" Even if a gun made one invulnerable to crime (which is not remotely true) there is still the fact that human criminals are only one possible cause of death out of thousands, and there is no reason to fear a madman more than a virus. There are those who think that being murdered by a human is worse than dying "naturally" because of some perceived insult or dishonor. I do not hold this view. Murdured at 20, cancer at 50, it's the same thing.

Yes, I am disapointed in the chief, because he seems to think his family has more value than yours or mine is worth protecting. Your family and mine are not as valuble, and you and I should not be able to protect them.

Well, wouldn't you know it? It's the strawman/ad hominem combo! Let's just make another quick list of whats wrong with this paragraph so I can get out of here before the liquor store closes.
1. Onceafuckinggain Reis argues as if a concealed gun is the only possible means of self-defense. This time he brings the family along to make us feel emasculated. I thought we were all on our own.
2. Chief Cassady is presented as secretly knowing that he is wrong and knowing that a concealed gun is the only possible means of self-defense. Therefore he must think his family is superior to yours.
asshole(Noun)- One who believes that he/she is so obviously right that no one could possibly disagree with him/her without having a secret evil motivation for doing so.

"In closing, I am more disapointed and inclined not to like Mayor Seng who thinks that she is more intelligent and knows more then all the legeslators combined who passed this law."

In honor of this statement, I will offer my rebutal in a single run-sentence.
Well I don't know, she did notice a loophole in the law which the Unicameral apparantly did not, allowing her to exercise her perogative as mayor, and what's with this sudden appeal to authority after spending a hundred words slandering the police, the basic argument, of course, is total bullshit; "my favorite color is black" "Well mine is blue" "Why do you think you're better than me?"

My car is a little funny

There seems to be some sort of electrical glitch in my vintage Oldsmobile. The radio is always automatically tuned to either the country music station or A.M. 1400, the local Nazi station. I can not tolerate either for more than 30 seconds. Yet I can't help but here some--interesting arguments from the likes of Limbaugh and Savage in the time it takes me to put on my sunglasses and change the station to KZUM. Just an hour ago I heard some peckerhead railing against his own imaginary strawman of liberal hypocrisy. It seems that the same ones who were "having nighmares,warning against, complaining, screaming about Passion of the Christ" are the same ones who have no problem with the Da'Vinci Code.
Jesus fuck, where do I even begin? Let's just do a list for the sake of keeping it light and humourous.

1. If "The Da'Vinci Code" was nothing but a naked man being beaten to death for three hours, I'm sure there would be complaints.
2. "Da'Vinci" is nothing but a (very) dumbed down regurgitation of old Gnostic teachings. The book and movie combined have about 1/10th the intelligence of Nietzsche's grade school poetry. If he couldn't bring down Christianity, it's hard to imagine that Tom Hanks can.
3. You sir, are such an obvious Pharasee that Jesus himself wouldn't even bother telling you so. "Passion" has heavily marketed and distributed by the Hollywood machine. It was a huge hit that made a trillion dollars. Some people complained, deal with it. People complain about the Zubruder film too. You're mad because there are non-Christians who refuse to accept their inferiority. If one does not accept the "message" of "Passion", than how could they possibly enjoy it? I can watch zombie porn for my sick amusement.
4. The whole moral panic over 'The Da'Vinci Code" is rooted in the same fallacy. Self- appointed defenders of Christianity(I know you're not all crazy, and Jesus was a cool guy) act under the assumption that non-Christians secretly know they're wrong. Therefore this pre-packaged, psuedo- revisionist fluff must be part of the grand anti-Christian conspiracy.
5. The ideas presented in the film have long ago been succesfully refuted by the Catholic Church in healthy genocidal debate.
6. Haven't you ever heard the story about the boy who cried "secular agenda"? The "mainstream" that you claim to represent is starting to catch on to your bullshit.
7. You have missed a golden opportunity to form an alliance with snobs like me against shitty movies. But no, you had to go and piss us off with the same old trash.

P.S. Speaking of revisionist history, I,m thinking up ideas for the next chapter of "Brief history of Tag" I'm thinking biblical, like the Joseph saga or Exodus. I'v been doing "research" on the internet that has led me to watching old "Beavis and Butthead" shows. This is what I do when my ideas are overly vague.

Dé Domhnaigh, Bealtaine 21, 2006

For the ladies

A woman who wears bright red reminds men (and/or lesbians) of clean, aroused vagina. A woman who wears black reminds men (ditto) of something more mysterious and sinister. (read: buttsex) Which message do you want to send to potential mates while you sip your Bud Light?

Anti-Poverty demonstration

I am going to steal a roll of toilet paper from the next public restroom that doesn't have one of those big plastic lock-up thingies. I am no scofflaw, mind you, this is simply a protest against a society that naively blames the poor for their own suffering. I will leave my mark in the brilliant disguise of a truckstop gigilo leaving his phone number. Fuck you if you don't appreciate my art.

Dé hAoine, Bealtaine 19, 2006

The Fine Line Between Patriotism and Narcisism

The U.S. Senate has passed a meaningless bill that defines English as "the national language" and another that defines it as "the common language". Neither bill went so far as to make English the "official" language and subject us all to Quebec-style absurdity; but this was clearly an attempt to appease the nativists who will settle for nothing less.
I don't object to having a single language of public business. But I am getting very tired of those who fret over the "Balkanization of America." This is such a shitty metaphor that I don't even know where to begin. The Balkan nations are mostly tribes with flags, as are most countries throughout history. We are an empire; we absorb different nations. The U.S. is not multicultural because of some p.c. socialist conspiracy, but because hundreds of millions of different people tend to be--different.

Let me address the small-town conservatives who are my old friends and neighbors. You have been taught your whole lives that your small-town lifestyle is America incarnate. No need to burst your bubbles on that just yet. You learned your first words in English, first said "momma" in English, celebrated the fourth of July in exactly the same way with everybody in town every year, and traded the same dirty-blond girlfriends around until you married the one you happened to be with at age 20. What does it all mean? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Deep down, you have always known this. Has your uniform culture really brought any peace to your life? The tweakers next door have a Dale Earnheardt flag too; but they're still stealing your hubcaps every Friday night. Your cousin likes country music too; but he still killed that Indian who looked at his girlfriend in the bar.
Conservatives should be the ones who realize that society is held together by self-interest; not by sentimental attachments brought about by common language and ritual. Society was much more uniform in 1861. Northerners and southerners both spoke English and prayed to the same Christian God. This did not stop them from blowing the shit out of each other when they thought it would be in their self-interest to do so.
Common belief does nothing to ensure the peace. Common culture does nothing to ensure the peace. Common language does nothing to ensure the peace. Even if any of this were the case, it is not a proper state concern to enforce something as liquid and abstract as culture. The recent influx of Latin immigrants just may be the final dagger in the heart to those who have spent 250 years trying to turn the U.S. into Great Britain the sequel. If this proves to be the case, than praise zombie Jesus and viva la Raza.

Déardaoin, Bealtaine 18, 2006

Madame Drunkunhonky

I will give ten dollars to anyone who can prove that she is either still alive or that she died in an entertaining manner

Stop comparing Bush to Hitler

He's more of a Bonapartist-populist dictatorship. He seeks to protect the common people from elitist complication of life's predetermined purpose. The people should be made to rally behind a strong leader who brings them glory through military victory. Those who question the purpose of his actions are unacceptable. Whether or not they are patriots who are acting in what they believe to be the nation's best interest is irrelevant. Authoritarian government is necessary, and some form of "victory" is nessessary to give the common people release and allow them to accept their place. Critical thought is allowed only if it is used to justify the leader's actions. Those who expect Republican rule to lead to a big crash are mistaken. You should be looking for the sort of slow decay that could be found in Franco's Spain or Peron's Argentina. These signs are so abundant that one hardly needs to look for them, you can start by examining the inner "city" decay right here in Lincoln.

Dé Máirt, Bealtaine 16, 2006

A friendly reminder from a learned elder

There is a sizeable socialist minority in this country that believes in a strange concept they call a "right to privacy" that applies to proper state concerns like phone calls and sex. Many young users of Myspace and Facebook claim to believe in this treacherous idea. It is very strange than, that they choose to expose every aspect of their being, and even incriminate themselves, for the sake of looking cool on the internet. I would like to advise these misguided children that the internet is a public space. One who desires to post information online should do so under the assumption that everything that one ever has or ever will put on the internet will always be on the internet, especially if one is an attractive young woman who wishes to show her natural assets.
This is especially true when it comes to Facebook. What form of madness is it that inspires minors to show themselves drinking on school property? I assure you that your love of Old Style is by no means distinctive. This is not High School. The College crowd has developed inumerable, contidictary, and rigid standards of coolness that can not be changed by anything you put in a public forum. Your friends will think that you are the greatest person to ever live, everyone else will always think that you are an ignorant jock and/or elitest pussy.
As a 25 year old, 2000 high school graduate, I managed to escape the culture of full disclosure just as it started to catch on. Now that I have re-entered youth culture through my return to college, I am truly disgusted by the sight of a generation of sitting ducks; woefully unprepared for a century that is only going to get even more wicked and oppresive as it progresses.

Dé Luain, Bealtaine 15, 2006

A Brief History of Tag Chapter 1: A Pre-history of Tag

Sigmund Frued believed that religion got it's start in a violent oedipal incident long before the dawn of true civilization. Humans were organized into tribal packs in this age, each commanded by a "father" who gained his position thru his prowess in hunting and fighting enemies. he did not neccesarrily need to be the actual father of the subserviant males. But since he naturally had his pick of the females of the tribe, he often was. Hatred and envy towards his power and access to the sexual favors of "mother" was universal, but oppressed by nearly every tribe.
But it was inevitible that one tribe would make the decision to surrender to its collective id. Frued theorizes that one tribe rebelled against the "father", killing and than ritualistically eating him. Over time, they came to feel profound guilt for what they had done. So they built the first totom pole to symbolize their victim, who was now a "heavenly father." The pole served as a warning to never give in to "evil nature" again. Evolution took over, and over time their came to be officials who presided over the totom rituals, what we would call priests. New father figures, giving themselves gradually more elaborate titles like chief and king, had to make at least a show of fealty to the "heavenly father."
Fraud's theory has created a storm of controversy. It has been called arrogant, perverse, blasphamous. But I can tell you for a fact that it is true; or rather, half true. The learned doctor only came up with half of the puzzle. There was, you see, another incident with another primitive tribe. This group of underlings was strangly unconcerned with the dominance of the "father". They were entirely too preoccupied with each other for that. They spent their days indifferent to their supposedly undeniable instincts, choosing instead to chase each other about the prehistoric grasslands. The game they played was not quite the tag that we know of today. But this is not important. Simply know that the aincents produced a society that was quite unconcerned with the priests and chieftens pseudo-evolutionary, homoerotic obssession with dominance and "victory". The ability of this society to see the real truth would eventually lead their descendents to power beyond the human imagination.....

Mr. Heartland's keys to success

1. Question the heterosexuality of every Republican male; and to a lesser extent, every man other than yourself.
2. Drink unhealthy amounts of top-shelf liquor that you can't afford.
3. Spend hours thinking up and writing elaborate group in-jokes without any possible commercial value.
4. Retrofit a university major on top of a random portfolio of community college courses.
5. Attach the broken remnants of your youthful idealism to hopeless causes such as the Chicago Cubs and the Democratic party.
6. Break up with girlfriend because she talks too much and don't get laid for six months. (Yes it was worth it, she honestly believed she had a right to inform me of every conscious thought she had. The cell-phone bills were going to land me on the street.)
7. Make pathetic attempt to make incoherent rant look organized by putting it in list form while trying to organize structure of next elaborate in-joke.

Déardaoin, Bealtaine 11, 2006

I am an hopeless, underemployed, nerd.

I went to the Hergert impeachment trial today. It reminded me of the first half of "My Cousin Vinny". The defense apparently planned to put the whole damn system on trial and paint the impeachment as a dark conspiracy against rich Republicans from out west. The Chief Justice handed the lead defense lawyer his rhetorical ass by sustaining objection after objection to his blotter logic. The defense's request for a recess until Monday in order to present three witnesses in precise, Perry Mason order further confirmed their raving lunacy. I was shocked that the court granted their motion. Guess that means I'll have to look for work tomarrow.

Ernie Chambers never said a word while I was there and was still mesmorizing.

Dé Céadaoin, Bealtaine 10, 2006

Mr Heartland Auditions for The Onion

Heineman shows Power of Incumbancy, Race-Bating
Osbourne refers to life in past tense, other guy crawls into hole somewhere and masturbates to Ayn Rand

Ricketts Wins Nomination
Presumeably functional adults actually influenced by television ads.

Lincoln Parks Bond Rejected
Operation "West Omaha the sequel" enters third phase

Hergert Fails to Remember any Conscious Action of Past 3 Years

Report: CIA Officials "Demoralized" Over Diminished Role in Crypto-Fascist Empire

Dé Máirt, Bealtaine 09, 2006

Sorry I've been out/ I have a cold

I'm a bit of a fallacy nazi, so I'm not going to poison the well by telling you that James Dobson advocates fathers showering with their toddler sons so as to compare penii. Dobson sees this as a way to impress a masculine identity upon the child and prevent gayness. I am not kidding, look it up yourself.
In all seriousness, I have received a Focus on the Family newsletter meantfor the previous tenant of my apartment. In this letter Dobson seeks to defend himself from a "radical leftist" organization known as Defcon. (Defend the Constitution), that ran ads in major national papers and on television that refered to the connection between Dobson, Ralph Reed, and Tony Perkins with disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff. The ad was based on reporting done by Sidney Blumenthal of the Nation (http://www.thenation.com/doc/20060220/blumenthal) that makes these great defenders of Anglo-Saxon Jesus out to be either stooges of casino interests and/or willing corrupt partners. Apparently, Abramoff convinced Reed to enlist other figures of the Christian Right in a family values campaign against proposed casinos in Louisiana, which just would have happened to be direct competeters of Abramoff's reserVegas clients in Mississippi.
In fairness, it should be pointed out that Abramoff and Reed are, for the moment, the only two figures in this who look really, really, guilty. It may be that Dobson is just an idiot who didn't know what was going on. When one considers how shrewdly he has made himself a grandfatherly, protective figure, however, diving headfirst into political division while portraying himself as above politics (he just wants to protect the kids from teh gay) it's hard to imagine that he would let himself be pimped out so savagely.
Which brings us to the newsletter sitting beside me. Not once in it's 9 pages does Dobson even pretend to appeal to reason, he simply portrays himself as grandad, using phrases like "how is that for viciousness from the far end of the universe". He's protecting your family, you see, therefore anyone who has a problem with his organization is against family and for sacrificing your virgin children to long, black, phallic maypoles. He does not need to prove anything. He represents a universal standard of decency that can only be accepted or rejected. Any attempt to call him out on his B.S. is really a secret pagan assault on this universal decency.
You can visit Defcon's website yourself. You will find no calls for peasent land seizure or reeducation of the capitalists. You will find several quotes from christian-right figures tha make them look like batshit-loco fascists. Bill O'reilly apparently came to Dobson's defense, berating the "liberal media" and the ultra powerful secularists that secretly control the country. The news letter gives Bill a shout-out right after it points out that the attack ads were printed in the "liberal" New York Times, L.A. Times, and Seattle Post-Intelligencer.
It's not until page 4 that the newsletter gets really good. Dobson mentions that Defcon gets much of its money from groups in-wait for it-San Francisco, and additional funding from-duh duh-duh-duh- George Soros. That's right, Satan. Geroge Soros may have done far more than either Reagan or the latest addition to Dead-Pope-Storage to liberate the Soviet Bloc. But he's an athiest!! He wants to legalize the refer!! Any money that comes from him is so very, very filthy. The letter than provides the names, phone numbers, and e-mail addresses of DefCon officials. Read that again, the man who pops up on many small town-tv stations to give friendly, down-home advice on child rearing spends four pages painting these people as political enemies and than prints their contact information so that concerned Christians may harass and intimidate them without having having to leave North Platte.
After this, the letter just drifts into bizarro land. It's like a Shakesperian tragedy where the climax is in the middle and everything that comes after is just the downward spiral. Dobson points out the real reason why the pagan-socialists are out to get him. We want to remove a fearless defender of the family in order to force gay, multiple, and dog/cat marriges upon the country. Dobson than gives the old "activist judges legeslating from the bench" that you can hear on Sean Hannity right now. The "activist judges" argument, of course, is pseudo-populist bullshit meant to disguise the fact that judges are only reacting to complaints from citizens who claim that their peaceful actions are being unfairly restricted. But never mind. Everyone knows that rights are reserved for real Americans. The ones who go to church, get married straight out of college, have six kids, cry at Extreme Home Makeover, and tremble in fear of dark-skinned criminals while eating their triple cheese whoppers. Those who divert from this path claim to be making a "choice" but everybody knows we're really insulting you by not being just like you. Real Americans are entitled to restrict the movements of deviants. This is what "activist judge" is code for.
Sorry if it seems I went off subject, but I didn't. Dobson goes on and on about gay marraige for the entire second half of the letter. The "p.s." of the letter is another comedy classic. Dobson refers to a Cal-Berkley study that found that "whiney toddlers" grew up to be conservative while well-behaved toddlers grew up to be liberals. This should come as no surprise to anyone who observes the voting patterns of whiney adults. (Maybe they had to shower with their dads)Keeping to form, Dobson makes no attempt to tell us why this just has to be wrong. After all, it makes conservatives look bad, and it comes from professors at Berkeley. In the name of karma, let me close by taking Dobson's last line out of context.
"Don't believe everything they try to feed us. It just might be baloney."

Déardaoin, Bealtaine 04, 2006

Semester over

My official celebration will be at the Killigan's show tomarrow night. (Cinco De Mayo is a great Irish holiday) I do believe I'll do some drinking tonight, even though the "thirsty Thursday" crowd does tend to be mostly insufferable douchebags.

Dé Céadaoin, Bealtaine 03, 2006

Everything I can do I ought to do

My lunchtime fortune cookie has inspired me.

I ought to live to be 38,000
I ought to freeze the movement of the earth at exactly 15:45:36 G.M.T. on the autumnal equinox.
I ought to conquer Mongolia with nothing but the counsul of the re-animated corpse of Joseph Kennedy Sr.
I ought to bodily possess everyone involved in the battle of Stalingrad at the same time, and engage the different parts of my phyche in mortal combat, experiencing death and victory thousands of times at the same time.
I ought to time warp with my mind, brutally rape Shakespere throughout his childhood, and see how it affects his writing.
While travelling in said time warp, I ought to wipe out all of the origenal oxygen breathing bacteria so that earth is forever a mars-like wasteland.
I ought to completly re-arrange lesbian porn cliches into something coherent.
I ought to get back to work so I can catch some Jazz at the Zoo tonight.

Dé Máirt, Bealtaine 02, 2006


I'm still recieving mail meant for the previous tenent in my apartment. He was a church going type, apparently, and he (I) recently received a Focus on the Family pamphlet in which Mr. james Dobson denies a connection to Jack Abramoff. His logically brilliant defense involves calling his accusers "liberal" and giving an irrelevant rant against gay marraige. I am much to busy with finals to compose what will be a long, scholarly post. Stay tuned for a comedy masterpiece sometime this week.

Everything is going exactly to plan

Mr. paul Clark is making a student documentry on tag, and I am being asked to present my essay on camera. Just think, it took Hitler years to find a mass market for Mein Kemph. You will accept our order on our terms, You will be assimilated.

Dé Luain, Bealtaine 01, 2006

Fuck Tom Osbourne

Brett Jenson for governor!

Ig'nant freshman critiques my tag essay

In the middle of another Saturday night watching some different girl drink herself asinine, a fellow named Dillion asked me, in total seriousness, what I was trying to say with my tag essay. I told him to think Marx meets Illuminati. He told me that he had never heard of the Illuminati, and boldly declared that communism would never work. He than said my essay was "mostly ostentatious bullshit" and told me "but I like things that make me think, you don't see that very often, good job man."

Do not condenscend to me when you're the one who can't recognize a joke you little shit. It was supposed to be ostantatious bullshit. Some subtle satire against Wall Street Journal readers, sure; but mostly it was meant to emphisize streettag's underground, anarchist cool by taking it to it's batshit extreme. This is how I have fun, kid. Take more philosophy and writing classes so maybe you can learn that not everything written in a serious voice is actually serious.
"Who's Jude Law? He's one of our finest actors."