The Existence of Budweiser Must be Hidden From the Outside World

The World-Herald felt the need today to defend American culture from some Germans who are distressed over the World Cup making sponsership deals with Mc'Donalds and Budweiser. The W-H apperently blames anti-American snobishness for these perfectly understandible concerns. "Imagine the reaction had America somehow won soccer's biggest prize" they say.

First of all if the U.S. won the World Cup, no one would notice. They would be too busy morning the sudden deaths of the other 30 teams in plane crashes. Second of all, there is nothing intrinsically anti-American in saying that Mc'Donalds is shit food and Budweiser is shit beer. I'm an American, and I can tell you as much, because it is not my snobbish opinion, but objective fact. Atoms are mostly empty space, the formula for water is H2O, Mc'Donalds is shit food. There are some who believe that our corporate bahemaths "represent" American culture instead of suck the life out of it. These people are called "suckers".
It is not as if we don't have a grand national culture and interesting regional variations, we do. The problem is that multi-billion dollar giants cannot "represent" this culture. There is a real American crusine that is equal or better than anything in Europe. Mc'Donalds ain't it. There are hundreds of small local breweries making beer that rivals Germany's best. Budweiser is absofuckinglutely not it.
I am not anti-capitalist, and I don't hate Mc'Donalds. I put Mc'Donalds food on the same level as Raman Noodles; except it's ten times more expensive and ten times less nutritious. Have you ever eaten Bratwurst or Sauerkraut? To say that a 10 course German meal is superior to Mc'Donalds is like saying that Strychnine is unhealthy.
Unfortunately, I can't bring myself to feel anything but burning rage for Budweiser. An ice-cold Bud that's been left in the fridge for six hours might taste like something vaguely resembling flat beer. As for Bud Light? Let's be clear, if you drink Bud Light, you are morally inferior to a rapist. You will rue the day when I'm in charge; there is only one final solution for Bud Light drinkers. If you can't afford something decent (Lincoln's own Empryan brew cost only a dollar more per six pack) than go for Steel Reserve. None of this middle-of-the-road, fauxhawk, karaoke night at Brother's shit. Trying to defend the Anheuser-Busch corperation is like shitting on the flag. Budweiser is the worst thing this country has ever done. Small-Pox blankets are a distant second.