Fight Songs: SEC Edition

Auburn

War.... Eagle, Fly Down The Field
Ever To Conquer, Never To Yield
War Eagle, Fearless and True
Fight On, You Orange And Blue
Go! Go! Go!
On To Vic'try, Strike Up The Band
Give Em Hell, Give Em Hell
Stand Up And Yell.. Hey!
War Eagle, Win For Auburn
Power Of Dixie Land

Here we have one of the more awkward single lines. (Stand up and yell, hey!) In fact the whole song descends into non-rhyming curses and shouts for a while. We also have the most overt football-is-war motif I've seen so far. I have no idea why people in "Dixieland" are so martial. Their record still sits on 0-1 the last I heard.

Florida
So Give A Cheer For Orange and blue
Waving Forever
Forever Pride Of Old Florida
May She Droop Never
We'll Sing A song For The Flag Today
Cheer For The Team At Play
On To The Goal We'll Fight Our Way
For Florida

At least they acknowledge that the team is only playing. Their zeal toward their state is a little disturbing though, especially considering their history. You people will droop your flag in the presence of stars and stripes or else.

Tennessee
Now I See The Importance Of History
Why People Be In The Mess They Be
Many Journeys To Freedom Made In Vain
My Brothers On The Corner Playing Ghetto Games
I Ask You Lord Why You Enlightened Me
Without The Enlightenment Of All My Folks
He said Cuz I set Myself On A quest For Truth
And He was There To Quench My Thirst
But I am Still Thirsty...
The Lord Allowed Me To Drink Some More
He Said What I Am Searchin For Are
The Answers To All Which Are In Front of Me
The Ultimate Truth Started To Get Blurry
For Some Strange Reason It Just Had to Be
It Was All A Dream About Tennessee

Take Me to Another Place
Take Me to Another Land
Make Me Forget All That Hurts Me
Let Me Understand Your Plan

This one is decidedly more haunting and downbeat than the typical fight song. It artfully reflects the despair felt by the children of the civil rights movement as they came of age in the early nineties and saw how much work remained to be done. I applaud the University of Tennessee for their social consciousness.
Vanderbelt
Dynamite! Dynamite!
When Vandy Starts To Fight
Down The Field With Blood To Shield
If Need Be Save The Shield
If Victory's won when battle's Done
Than Vandy's Name Will Rise In Fame
Win Or Lose The Fates Will Choose
But Vandy's game Will Be The Same
Dynamite! Dynamite!
When Vandy Starts To Fight
V-A-N-D-Y- Vandy, Vandy, Go, Go, Go

Take a close look at this song. I have never seen more blatant Jihadist propaganda. It's called "Dynamite" and the title is repeated frequently. It is utterly fatalistic. Fate (or should I say Allah) will decide who wins and who loses, but as long as the enemy bleeds, it will all be o.k. Save the shield indeed. It will hardly do you any good when your flying in twenty different directions. We must invade Vanderbelt, kill its leaders, and convert the students to Christianity.

Back To School Special: Texas Fight Songs

I've Decided To Spend the Next Few Days Highlighting Selected College Fight Songs Based. Those With the most anachronistic slang or most overtly fascist overtones are more likely to get posted. This makes Texas a good place to start.

Tarleton State
On Ye Tareleton
On Ye Tareleton
Break Right Through That Line
Ever Forward, Ever Onward
We'll Get There or Die
On Ye Tareleton, On Ye Tarleton
Fight For Victory
Fight, Texans. Fight! Fight! Fight!
And Win This Game

You'll never win the game if you kill yourselves every time you have to punt.

TCU
We'll Raise A Song, Both Loud and Long
To Cheer Our Team To Victory
For TCU, So Tried And True
We Pledge Eternal Loyalty
Fight On Boys, Fight With All Your Might
Roll Up The Scores For TCU
Hail White And Purple Flag
Whose Heroes Never Lag
Horned Frogs, We our All For You

Coach has just declared himself dictator for life? We pledge eternal loyalty.

Texas A&M
Hullabaloo! Caneck! Caneck!
Hullabaloo! Caneck! Caneck!
All Hail To Dear Old Texas A&M
Rally Round The Maroon and White
Good Luck to The Dear Old Texas Aggies
They are the boys who Show the Real old Fight
That Good Old Aggie Spirit Thrills Us
And Makes Us Yell and Yell and Yell
So Let's Fight for Dear Old Texas A&M
We're Going To Beat You All To
Chig-Gar-roo-gar-rem!
Chig-Gar-Roo-gar-rem
Rough! Tough! Real Stuff! Texas A&M!

Hulabaloo! Caneck! (Etc)
Good-bye To Texas University
Goodbye To the Orange and White
Good Luck To the Dear old Texas Aggies
They are the Boys Who SHow The Real Old fight
"The Eyes of Texas are Upon You"
This is The Song They Sing So Well
So Goodbye Texas University
We're Going To Beat You all To
Chig-Gar-Roo-Gar-Rem
Chig-Gar-Roo-Gar-Rem
Real Tough! Real Stuff! Texas A&M!

Saw Varsity's Horns Off (Repeat 3x)
Short! AYYYY!
Varsity's Horns are Sawed Off (Repeat 3x)
Short! AYYYY!

1. Here we see Texas-sized egos in play. Fight songs are supposed to be short and simple, not complete with multiple verses and choruses.
2. I believe this song was written by an Ewok who spoke English as a second language. Chig-Gar-Roo-Gar-Rem bitches.
3. The football team plays 11 games a year. Why the obssession with UT? College rivalries are not cute. They are not quaint. They are provencial horseshit, plain and simple. Yes, I know that your big rivalry is a sacred tradition that I just don't understand. Well, that's because there is nothing to understand. Nothing except Victorian era gender indoctrination; strapping young men filled with the martial spirit by their common hatred of the other. In the modern age, this spirit reflects itself through burned couches and slightly more rape victims than a normal weekend. Hail varsity!

The University of Facsist Athletic Department Surrounded by A Pretty Cool Town
Texas Fight! Texas Fight!
And It's GoodBye to A&M
Texas Fight! Texas Fight!
And We'll Put Over one More Win!
Texas Fight! Texas Fight!
For It's Texas That We Love Best!
Hail! Hail! The Gang's All Here!
And It's Goodbye To All The Rest

Yea Orange! Yea White!
Yea Longhorns! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Texas Fight! Texas Fight!
Yea Texas Fight!
Texas Fight! Tex.. (Moving Along Here)
The Eyes Of Texas are Upon You!
All The Live Long Day!
The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You
You Cannot Get Away!
Texas Fight! Texas Fight!
For It's Texas That We Love Best!
Hail! Hail! The Gang's ALl Here!
And It's Goodbye To All The Rest!

This one is slightly better. It's still too long, but they certainly have got the simple part down. Once again, we have obssession with a particular rival. I think I've made my thoughts on this clear enough. We also have the famous"Eyes of Texas are upon you" line. Indeed they are, and you can not get away from the gaze that stares with utter contempt upon all who refuse to recognize its godly superiority.

Mr. Heartlands Moral Crisis

The Fall Semester can't come soon enough for me. I have become a living, breathing strawman of what the right declares that Liberalism will lead to. I "embrace" one moral code or another simply for the vaguely sexual pleasure of breaking it. I have embraced irony and debauchery to the point where news of the death of innocents in war leads to nothing but laughter at the human condition. It's not that I consider myself superior, just hopelessly disconnected. I have forgotten that the void is supposed to make me feel bad. The organized schedule of school can do nothing but save me. I am nothing but an empty hedonistic rake.

But enough of this pussy-ass Myspace whining. I still have five days of summer left, so here's an open invitation to come to my apartment for Faces of Death and freebase coke. Come one come all

100th post Blowout

I can't afford champagne, so the next best thing is to immaturely offend anyone who comes accross my site. Take this Google Adsense.

Concert Review

How to Describe the electronic phase for "Of Montreal"? As showcased Friday night at Knickerbockers? I could go for cheap one liners; The Beatles and Bowie go on a seven day laughing gas binge toghether and decide to make an album. Woodstock Disco (Or better yet, "Frisco Disco LOL)

Their sound is centered on the most melting-plastic-perfect synth lines that have been heard since sampling technology allowed artists of the lazy ass P Diddy/Playstation generation to rip off Bernie Worrel for their next club banger. Add to this a Eurotrash circus stage show that perfectly compliments the music. The wordplay in the lyrics is complex while still catchy, mystical and intelligent without being unintentionally funny. The energy of the show... damn...and also... damn.

The only way it could be better is if the band was playing at my personal compound where I could eat X and service my slave girls at my leisure. Simply put, Of Montreal is the band for anyone who enjoys splitting rails of coke with one's pet giraffe and "manservant" (And isn't this everybody?)

I've heard a nasty rumour that Barnes and the gang our moving away from their dance music phase and back to a more "personal" sound. There is a good chance that this could be good as well. I certainly hope it isn't code for stereotypical indie mumbling and guitar fuzz. (Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it would be a devolution for these guys.) Whatever comes in the future, I'm going to sorely miss the sound of a thousand patchouli scented robot bees swarming through my head, and I'm glad I got to experience the feeling live while I still had the chance.

This May or May Not Be The Post Where I Get to the Point About Ward Churchill

As a nerd, I usually preread some of the material for the upcoming semester. I'm taking a Native American Lit class this fall, and decided to skim through what looked like the densest required book in the class. This would be "The State of Native America" published by Colorado-Boulder in 1992. The book includes several contributions from, you already know.

Churchill is every bit as radical the "Little Eichmann's" crack would lead you to believe. He and other contributers frequently and unabashedly call on the U.S. to return native land to the point that it returns itself out of existence. Churchill, always in a bone-dry academic tone' calls for the United States to be replaced by something "infinitely better" and name drops Castro and the Sandinistas as examples of how revolutions can overcome long odds. Another writer, John Mohawk, says that white Americans never feel quite at home. Since America is nothing but a breakaway colony that turned into an empire, he reasons, the U.S. is completely illigitimate, existing as "nothing but a government". ( His implication that true nationhood is based on blood and soil is usually considered very right-wing.)

As I have no soul, I am offended by nothing. So I'm not bothered by either the "Eichmann's" crack or the suggestion that the U.S. be replaced by something "infinitely better" I have also heard that Churchill is lying about his claim to native ancestry. Well, that would be a trifling thing, really, there are worse moral failings than that. Though I would suggest that this is 2006, and a man dosn't need elaborate excuses to wear his hair long in middle age. One thing that did piss me off was the fact that Churchill footnotes himself at least twenty times. Who the hell does that, honestly? (Eating boiled plague rats will make men grow a second penis out of the right nipple. See "Beran: Little known Facts About Mammals; Heartland Press)

In all seriousness though, the political "left" can be divided into two camps, liberal reformers and radical destroyers. Churchill is clearly a member of the later.(Again and again "The State of Native America" attacks the center-left for having the audacity to focus on poverty and woman's rights instead of advocating violent native land seizure) The problem is that he just isn't a very good radical. Radicals do have their place. Churchill could have used his talent for saying outrageous things and made himself into a (maybe) half-indian George Carlin. But he wanted to be an intellectual, what a shame. There have been lots of intellectuals, only a tiny elite of them have any impact on society. Goethe never footnoted himself.

As a member of the "liberal reformer" camp, (However caustic I may be at times) I have never bought into the narrative of all-american children being corrupted by radical professors. In fact, I consider this narritive to be dangerously anti-democratic and anti- free thought. And I don't have much patience for cheap conservative cracks about "The People's republic of Boulder/Berkeley/Madison, etc. Boulder is a fine town, so long as you get out before the jocks start hitting the Coors. Having said that, it does seem as if Churchill had created a little fiefdom for himself in the U.C. Boulder Native Studies department. Surrounded by like-minded associates; who spent their time playing playgound games of deriding the center-left and daring each other to say something more radical than the other. The fact that this has finally gotten Churchill into some trouble shouldn't be the least bit surprising.

(This has been Mr. Heartland's token appeal to the center for 2006. Be sure to come back tomorrow when I angrly demand the legalization of cocaine and accuse Pete Rickitts of raping his slaves, thank you and good night.)

Ward Churchill is after your girlfriend

A while ago I had a dream where I was attending a get-together at a good friends house back in North Platte. Ward Churchill was there. I saw no reason why not; I associate myself with the beautiful people. There was a train wreck along the tracks accross the street. In the real world, my friend lives half a mile from the railroad. Never mind. The men in the house organized ourselves into a rescue party. Mr. Churchill did not come.

As I recall, none of the victims were dead. As a matter of fact, no one was seriously wounded . They just needed us to move debris out of the way so that they could walk out themselves and go about their business. The rescue mission took most of the day; but this was only because we would take long and frequent coffee breaks back at the house; an hour at the wreck, an hour back in the dining room with our Folgers and Camels, that's how it went. Keep in mind, we wern't leaving anybody to bleed to death. All the victims were perfectly fine, just stuck is all. You should try moving twisted metal sometime and see how ling you can last without needing a break.

Anyhow, it came to my attention that Ward Churchill was spending all of this time hitting on various women in the house. I thought nothing of it, he's a man just like the rest of us. Later still, however, I noticed that he was only hitting on other mens wives and girlfriends, while ignoring all the single girls. This was simply low down. It was bad enough that he wasn't helping us free the mildly inconvenienced train wreck victims. He had to go and steal all of our women while we were out. Quite deliberately mind you. He was intentionally ignoring the single women just to show his contempt for polite society, and I know for a fact that he stole at least three of my cigarettes.

I am not a mystical person by any means. I am a heartless journalism major in a godless university. Normally, I would tell you with perfect conviction that the human brain has only two talents; logic and empirical knowledge. There is no common sense, there is no intuition, there is no revelation, there is no third eye. Normally I would say this. But I woke up that morning without the slightest doubt that I had met the real Ward Churchill. I've never really met him, of course. But if you ask me what he's like; I could tell you with upmost certainty that he is a total bastard who will steal your woman and your cigarettes.

(Stay tuned for a slightly more relevant and coherent take on Churchill tomarrow)

NU Hires New Basketball Coach

Praise be to him that realizes that existence is doom and offers himself to our horrible lord to be eaten first.

Whatever You Say Chief

"You know, I hear people say, Civil War this, Civil War that." "The Iraqi people decided against Civil War when they went to the ballot box."
President Bush

The Beatles, Prog Rock And America

There has been some talk lately of the 40th anniversary of "Revolver". This is a masterpiece, by the way, and is almost universally recognized as such, almost. There are those who say that is only the Beatles hadn't gone all freaky with "Revolver" and "Sgt. Pepper" than rock music would have never been infected with pretension, and the world would never have had to suffer through Man O' War's 35 minute heavy metal version of the Illiad. This is simply unfair.

True, The Beatles had their place in the development of Prog-Rock, but they are not wholly responsible for, and certainly not guilty of, its worst excesses. Don't forget about the Who. (A Quick One While He's Away, Tommy) and don't forget about the power of culture.

Notice how most of the earliest art-rock bands (Yes, Emerson-Lake-and Palmer, Pink Floyd) were British. British children experience a more "classical" education than Americans do, complete with Mozart, Verdi, and Beethoven. Any Englishman who picks up an instrument feels more pressure to make "serious" music than a Yankee does. This also somewhat applies to Canada (Rush) which has always been; culturally and politically, more loyal to daddy than the U.S.
Keep in mind that Rock'nRoll is our music, descended from our own blue-collar folk music traditions. It's funny how we are more conservative than our old European oppressors about so many things, yet populist to the point of anarchist when it comes to art and culture. The idea that an artist should try as hard as he/she can to show how much he/she is just like everyone else is uniquely American. From this perspective than, European prog-rock acted as a sort of nationalism. An attempt by alums of the Queen's art shools to seperate themselves from American crudity.

One should also avoid the reverse snobbery of dismissing all art-rock out of hand. Proggers who covered traditional anti-authoritarian rock themes (Pink Floyd) made some truly great music. For the best proof that brainy rock music has its place, look no further than post-punk. Punk music was supposed to clense rock music of the 15 minute drug songs of the 70's, and this was necessary to a point. Yet as soon as Punk gained a place in society; we had Television and the Talking Heads, getting all artsy and smart-ass on us.

The populist ethos of rock can reach a point where it itself becomes oppressive. We all love to brag. Some people like to brag about how often they get laid, or how poor they are. Others like to brag about how smart they are, or how far they can drag out a gutar riff. It's the same thing. We can emphesize the blue-collar roots of rock music all we want. We can launch as many reform movements and purges against heretical nerds that we want. But the fact is that Rock is music, and therefore it is art; and any form of art will always attract people who want to show off their brains. Just think how much poorer the world would be if "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" was the most ambitious thing rock'n roll had ever done.

Sundays are rather boring, don't you agree?

This is what happens when you do a google instant search for "fat girl". Not "Fat girl Porn" or "Hot fat girls want too fuck you now" just fat girl. She's not even that fat.

10/28/2006: Qwest Center Omaha

Wyld fucking Stallions bitches. The show is, of course, sold out. But if you should happen to want some tickets, (You know you do) send fifty dollars to me, Mr. Heartland. I'm not going to give out my address over the internet, but I have "people" you can contact. If you don't know who "they" are; well, you're just lame. You would only get yourself killed at a Stallions concert anyway.

Party on motherfuckers.

Robert Phares appointed To Hergert's Nu Regents Seat Seat.

I'm from North Platte, so I suppose I should know something about the former mayor. But no, I've got nothing off the top of my head. He's rich, and he runs an insurance agency from somewhere in downtown Flatrock (I'm thinking 4th and Vine, don't quote me). I should mention that North Platte is culturally much more modest and midwestern than the cowboys in the panhandle. So just in case Phares is crooked (he seems far too boring for that, but you never know.) don't expect him to try to brag, bluster, and bullshit his way out of trouble like Hergert did.

Phares has promised to tow the governor's line on stem-cell research. With any luck, we can soon catch up too southern states in our commitment to protect undiffrentiated zygotes. At least Heineman didn't pick Kathy Wilmot. This would be the woman who is such a theocratic nutcase that she was voted off the state board of education by the solidly Republican voters of western
Nebraska.

We must stand with Isreal unconditionally in her war against the barbarian

Guess which side did this. (Hint, it wasn't terrorists. How could it be? If muslims didn't do it, than it coudn't possibly be terrorist.)

Let's Kill Castro Now

Sure, our current "wait for him to die" strategy makes far more sense than the unbelievibly stupid assassination plots that were being thought up in the sixties. But just think about how funny it would be. You just know there's some old soldier in the CIA who still thinks his arsenic-laced cigar brought to Fidel by a Miami exile disguised as a cross-eyed belly dancer with an attitude plan could still work. Let's make the old codger happy. If nothing else, let's do it for old Lee Oswald. While our own spies were thinking up needlessly elaborate plots to dispose of invincible supermen, Oswald realized that world leaders die just as easily as the rest of us. We spend millions of tax dollars, he doesn't even need a lunch break. So let's steal some of his thunder by dusting off one of those Rube Goldberg plots and making it work. Let's bring back the can-do spirit of early 60's America, let's kill Castro before he dies.

What would make me happy in my old age

I just watched a spot of "The Upside of Anger". It's a total chick flick, but if one learns to see amusing depravities between the lines as I have, it is well worth the time. Joan Allan plays a jaded, drunken bourgeois middle-aged devorcee who is mother of four teenage daughters. This is the sort of woman I'm going to marry. I refuse to settle for anything less. Kevin Costner plays the knight in shining armor, pursuing Allan and matching her drink for drink. It is quite clear that he is really after the underage girls. Who wouldn't be? I don't think I'm being out of line when I say that all men fantasize about being the abusive step-father. I know it's wrong. So very, very, filthy and wrong, but I guess some of us are a little more liberated. Lovely daughter you have there Maam, need help with your groceries?

Burn Chadron Burn

We need something interesting to happen. The destruction of a town of 5000 would certainly qualify. It would be a national issue. Sure, there could be a terrorist attack on New York that could kill more people, but barring the apocolypse, the municipal entity of New York would still exist. The outright elimination of any town larger than a village would be an event, and in Chadron's case, it would be delightful.
For those who aren't from western Nebraska, let me describe Chadron. It's most (and only) noteworthy feature is Chadron State College. This is the College for kids who are too cornfed to get into Nebraska-Kearney. They spend there days drinking Keystone Light and getting shafted on "peyote" deals from Indians on the nearby Pine Ridge Reservation who they hipocritically mock for being a pack of drunks. The rest of the townspeople just don't have the class to measure up to the students. Burn motherfuckers, burn.

In Honor Of Americruise

I,m never been much of a car guy. In fact, I've never been partcularly moved by any kind of machine. But I was a boy once. And like all who were once boys, there is a list of cars that I decided I must have before I die.

1. Batmobile, (Any version)
2. Unwashed JFK deathmobile
3. Dre's 64 Impala
4. Sanford and Son Truck
5. Goblin-faced semi from Maximum Overdrive
6. KIT
7. Goblin-faced semi from Maximum Overdrive



Who made who bitch?

There Is No Global Warming

Nope, nothing to see here people. I can prove that there is no global warming because, well, some people who believe in global warming think Americans are wasteful! Aren't you insulted, aren't you outraged? Why not? The invisible hand of God gave us our stuff through the Christian free market! Who does Barbra Streisand think she is, anyway? The French are pussies.

Viva Jesus! Viva Chick!

Model Health Care

I went to the university health care center, they drew blood, they discovered I had a virus, and it's not Mono. Twenty dollars, sounds about right.

At any rate, this isn't LiveJournal, so let's see... Isn't it fucked up what the City Council did when they went all and fucked with that?

I'm going back to bed.

Ah, parents

I have some sort of a virus. I found out today that I have a 100F fever. (The blood plasma clinic has several useful function). Anyway, my mother called today to see if I could get any inside deals on Nu football skag (no ma ,I can't). I told her about my illness. High fever, fatigue, low appitite. She was concerned, of course, especially by the exhaustion and low appitite (though these are almost certainly caused by the fever, and not independent symptoms of their own.) She seemed worried that I had West Nile .
What a shame. One of the most common fallicies we make is to assume that the bad ends we hear about the most are the ones most likely to get us. So we have another ciggarette and shot of whiskey to get over our fear of terrorists and child molestors. I know my mother means well, but she should know better than this.
In truth, I might very well have West Nile, but this means nothing by itself. West Nile is basically the same thing as the flu; a mild-to moderate disease that, for an unlucky few, can be life-threatening. Of course, there is no reason to assume that I am not one of the unlucky few. But, without trying to sound like a badass, so what? We all have to deal with the contradiction of functioning with society as if we're going to live forever, while dealing with the reality that we will not. (Got nothin to lose it's just me against the world)
But I suppose I should stop complaining. My mother has promised to pay for a doctor's examination, and there's no denying that this is a good idea. If they still prescribed opium for routine illness I would have scraped up the lose change myself by now. But I must spend my starvatio wages on chicken soup and Nyquil. I love ya ma.

Expect Chambers To Go Out With A Bang

The worst thing about term limits is how they produce amatuer partisan hacks. In Nebraska'a case, this would mean Republican hacks, and of course its completely different in California.

What this means in a practical sense is that the next 2 Unicam sessions will have a bunch of newbies trying to silence, or, even worse, out-reason Ernie Chambers. It's going to be a massacre. Ernihilation, Ernownage, Ernpocylypse. Those who voted for term limits just to get rid of Chambers are going to pay for it first. And don't think the people of North Omaha are going to vote for a conservative rancher with 38 grandchildren when they are forced to replace Ernie.

Disenfranchisement has its price. In the next two years, Nebraska will have its own bullshit thrown back at us like never before.

To The Guy leaving The Wedding At the Gov.s House

The one who said there was "some kind of gay and lesbian thing" at the Ne capital. The one who said "I don't think I'll be going to that" and then laughing the smug laugh of one who gets hard with pride in one's normality. You seem to misunderstand what homosexuality is andv what it is not. This is perfectly alright, we can't all be experts in anything. Might I suggest, however, that nothing cures ignorance like experience.

Friday Night Trivia: (Use It For Your drinking Games)

If one does a Google Instant Search for the word "hardcore", the first non-pornagraphic image is in the middle of page 3. Discuss the social implications of this among yourselves.

P.S. I have just returned from a party where some guy with a soul patch and a do-rag played "American Pie" on his acoustic guitar. I was worried that I might go through the whole summer without running into some asshole trying to get laid with "American Pie".

To The Hon. Benjamin J. Nelson

Dear Sir:

Stop being a pussy. When I say stop being a pussy, you should realize the significance of this. You see, I hav nothing against moderates. We could use more nice, quiet, friendly folk like you. It should be a required trait for waitresses, drive-through workers, and prostitutes. I was not offended when you voted for tax cuts that the government can't afford. I have a bit of a libertarian streak, and the thought of the federal government choking to death on its own bullshit is quite pleasing to me. I was not horribly offended when you voted for the war. It was a different climate then. One did not point out that the WMD claims were obvious bullshit in polite discourse, and you're as polite as they come, arn't you? And ultimatelly, of course, I would sooner vote for you than Pete Rickets. (a.k.a. Republican cliche-bot 3000)

But now you're really starting to test my patience. You vote for the anti-gay marraige amendment and the anti- flag burning amendment, making you one of the few Democrats to acheive the non-existent problem solver double crown. You are also unique among Dems in your desire to uproot illegal immigrant families in order to save us from the Spanish language.

But now you've done something really stupid. You voted against using embryos for stem-cell research? Why? It can't be because of your beliefs, everybody knows you don't believe in anything. Was it for political gain? There was nothing to gain. You already have the Nebraska-right-to-life endorsement. This is an issue that divides even the pro-choice movement. Orin Hatch; the conservative Mormon who moonlights as a Christian lounge singer, can vote for the research and still be safe in Utah. Certainly you can do the same and not hurt yourself in Nebraska.

This research can cure diseases and save human lives. Not protozoans who happen to have human DNA, but actual human lives. The only people who are against this research are the hard-core right wingers. Those who hate their own and everybody else's filthy humanity. Those who hide their nihilism behind a facsist brand of Christianity. They know as well as the rest of us do that to not decide is to decide. "Human life", weather blastocysts or alzheimers victims, will end one way or another. But they want to leave it in "God's hands." Far better to die than to have one's life saved by filthy human reason. You will never win over these people. They will vote against you simply to maintain a Republican Senate. It is obvious even now that they could tip the election to Rickets; despite the fact that he is a human strawman version of a Republican. You are wasting your time, and you are contributing to human suffering in doing so.

In closing, you have five months before election day to do something, anything, that resembles courage. Otherwise I just might pull a Nader on your punkass and write in Ernie Chambers.

Sincerely,
Mr. Heartland

Why didn't he pose with a bunch of test tubes?

Some hardcore zygote worshippers in Iowa did the same thing. They tried to get Bill Frist (who fancies himself a presidential contender, though no one else does.) to flip-flop back to their side on the stem-cell issue. So they put out a commercial full of smiling newborns to show us just what we would be destroying if we sefishly try to cure the diseases of the multi-cellular.

Why didn't they show pictures of blastocysts instead? After all, if these are the same as babies, than surely the sight of a microscopic ball of undifferentiated cells would have the same emotional impact.

This Year At The Ne State Fair

Aug. 28th, Three Dog Night Bitch.
It was a small band, so presumebly there's at least two original members left. And it will certainly be better than the Styx show last year where they didn't even play Mr. Roboto and I had to stand through the whole thing to hear their only good song. (Renegade, Of course.)

I predict Green Day will play the Nebraska State Fair before the decade is out, and Billy Jo will still be wearing his "indie" tie at 45.

Isreal vs. Rest of Middle East in a Nutshell

So what should we as Americans do? Some would suggest that we should avoid taking sides and join the rest of the world and telling the kids to knock it off and work out a deal. They must be crazy! Of course we should take Isreal's side! They dress like we do, and when they speak English it sounds vaguely like an American accent.

At any rate, they do our dirty work for us. It is not our official policy (actual practice is a different matter) to kill ten innocent civilians for the sake of taking out one terrorist. Our friends on the Mediterrainean have no such qualms. Sure, the current situation may complicate our own troubles in Iraq, but those our the breaks. When you get right down to it, Judaism is almost Christianity. Muslims, on the other hand, are accidental pagans.
Support Isreal, It's Almost America! :)

Real Men Have Broken Air Conditioners in July

Brett Meir; profoundly unfunny cartoonist for the Daily Nebraskan, used today's space to try to make us all feel guilty over worrying about the heat instead of feeling the pain of the Middle Easterners. First of all, let me just say that I am keeping up abrest with the war in Isreal/Lebanon. Second of all, fuck you Brett.
You see, my air conditioner broke around the third week of June. I have one of those plastic electric fans from the seventies trying to control the heat. A week ago, when Nebraska was unseasonably cool (in the 80's) the fan was enough. Now that the heat is breaking 100 and will continue to do so for the next week, not so much. My landlord would fix it, but I sort of owe him two hundred dollars.
So I'm functionally homeless from noon to nine p.m. This is the time of day when it's to hot to sit in my apartment naked. During this time I seek refuge in a nice cool library; which complicates my job search and prevents me from being able to pay my landlord. Wih luck, I'll be able to find a job before my student loan check comes at the end of summer, until than, I'm spending my days reading Joseph Conrad and eating ramon noodles. When one s among the less fortunate, it is o.k. to worry more about oneself than other unfortunates.
Fuck you Brett

We Have Assumed Control

We have assumed control, we have assumed control, we have assumed control, we have assumed control

Public Schools are Just As Good As Private Schools/Ignore The Man Behind The Curtain

The Education released a Study yesterday that revealed that students in public schools perform almost as well as students in private schools. In fact, public school eighth graders do better in math than their peers at "very conservative Christian Schools" (This is just funny) What did you expect? All the class time reserved for loving Jesus can't help but distract from the three Rs.

There is a reason that the report was released on a Friday. Only nerds such as myself read the Saturday papers. The Bush administration was loathe to release any information that doesn't justify school vouchers. (Welfare to private enterprise for the purpose of indoctrination.)

Joseph McTighe, a lobbyist for a private school "umbrella group" gave the following reply."In the real world, private school kids outperform public school kids. That's the real world, that's the way things actually are."

Yes, that's right, public stereotypes are a better reflection of reality than official statistics. How's that for populism? Of course, Mc'Tighe might have some numbers of his own to back his figures up. After all, private school kids are more likely to come from rich families. Therefore they are more likely to have personal connections with prospective employers. But the world is a big place, and different classes of society experience different real worlds, don't they?

A Brief history of Tag: Chapter 3, The Alpha and Omega

It came to pass that what we know as "Western Civilization" was, in fact, tag. We built Greece,we built Rome, we invented the question mark. Homer? Virgil? Plato? If you are wise enough to be reading this , then surely you know better then to believe in things that you have not seen for yourself. Haven't you ever thought it funny that these supposed persons wrote quite a bit about fearless supermen, who one either had the wisdom to follow or the temerity to resist? (Only to be horribly punished by "gods") Surely you also know better then to believe that there ever was a time more magical and mystical than our own. So why are there no semi-gods and supermen reigning over us now? Therefore ask yourself, what is the purpose of all these fairy tales?
Needless to say, there never was a Plato, or a Virgil. None of the pedophiles who supposidly invented western civilization ever was. There was only our ministry of propaganda, which was already operating at a far more sophisticated level than the "Third Reich" could ever dream of. These tales of supermen did much to control the rabble. Why should they not obey "their" king when he was descended from Hercules? The myth of the natural-born superhuman leader has been indispensible to us. Our Alexander could never have conqured Persia, nor could our Claudius have conqured Britain, without it. With some modifications, the myth continues to serve us to this day.
Of course, there were exceptions. Athens really was a democracy, within reasonable limits. Why would we allow such a thing, you ask? Don't be a fool, we were Athens. Athens was created in order to provide ourselves with a place where our perversions would be acceptible. This is the same reason why we created the Southeast Asian sex trade. There really was a Socrates, and we really did eliminate him. Of course, his death was not nearly as merciful as what is written in our history books. His execution actually lasted for seven months. We will not discuss the details.

Then there was the fellow who called himself Christ. He was nothing. A peasant. An unimportant man from an unimportant corner of our empire. but he was clever. He somehow managed to see through our illusions and realize the true reality. He could of joined us. We are always on the lookout for bright young talent. But alas; he was an idealist. He believed in "freedom". He thought he could stop us. He once actually said that gaining the world was not worth losing one's soul over. We cannot allow this sort of psychosis to spread to the rabble.
The record of his death is more or less accurate. We decided to torture him to death over a single 24 hour period. We had too much respect for the man to subject him to our normal procedures.

Fuck you! I fucked your Dad up the ass in prison.

With the aid of deaf Italian lip readers, it seems that Materazzi goaded Zidane into his headbutt by calling him a "son of a terrorist whore." That's what the Euro press says anyway, and it really doesn't matter now whether that was what was actually said or not. When people want answers, they don't really care if they get accurate answers or not. It should be said that Materazzi''s defense was quite damning. He claimed not to know what the word terrorist meant. Yeah.

And what, exactly, is a terrorist whore? Sounds like something one would find in a nihilistic French action movie. She'll suck your dick and blow up a hospital at the same time. You and her will go on a massive absinthe-fueled killing spree until her old abusive boyfriend convinces her to come back, or so he thinks. She ends up killing both of you by shotgun blasts to the brain in front of thousands on Bastile Day. She keeps all the money for herself. A brief epilogue describes how she dies of an "accidental" skag overdose in Lhasa five years later.

RIP Syd Barrett

I had a high school obssesion with Pink Floyd, so this is sad news. Of course, it is highly unlikely that he noticed his own death. Don't eat acid for breakfast kids.

There's a little bit of Barett in Blur, Smashing Pumpkins, Travis, Badly Drawn Boy.... etc. All of these bands were arguibly more influenced by Barett's style than post-Syd Pink Floyd. The group's 1968-73 evolution from "psychedelic"band to composers of grand rock operas is very interesting. Check out 'Saucerful of Secrets" and "Meddle"

As for their work with Syd, "Piper at the Gates of Dawn" will restore your faith in hippies.

Dave Hergert is a Martyr for the better half

I am pleasently surprised. this is the first intelligent decision made by any branch of the Nebraska state government in, shit, 15, 20, 50 years? the only ones who are still defending Hergert are his relatives, employees, and neighbors. This is somewhat understandible. Living in a small community does encourage an us vs. them view of the world, where all problems are caused by outsiders.
And they do make respectible points. Why should Hergert get the hammer brought down on him? He was just another politician, no more crooked than the rest, and at least he was one of ours.
It is true that everyone on the NU Board of Regents except Chuck Hassebrook is an aristocratic crook living with delusions of being Governor or Senator crook. They barely conceal their belief that the people's university should be reserved for the sons of the elite. (Expect no mercy when they discuss tuition again) Any moral advantage the rest of the board has over Hergert is nominal.
which is not to say that there is no difference. The big problem with Hergert was his utter lack of shame. He seemed to follow Tom DeLay logic. " I'm Christian, I'm important, I'm not gay, and I have proven my superiority on the sacred battlefield of the free market. Therefore I can do whatever the hell I want. I am incapible of corruption. Only whiney losers would suggest otherwise."
The fact that Hergert got his just deserts does not solve the larger problem. Rural America is full of people who are simple, humble, and unfailingly obedient to authority and tradition. They are baffled and frightened by the perfectly natural cultural fragmentation that comes with democratic empire. These are the people that "conservatives" have seduced in their rise to power. And how is the loyalty of rural America being rewarded? With naked political patronage, union busting slave labor, and corporate feudalism. those of us who want to change this face the frustration of a counseler; begging an abused wife to leave the bastard

World Cup Wrapup

First off, I'm disapointed that Germany didn't win. I was planning on doing an Al Micheals/Big Lebowski mashup (Do you believe in nuzing? YES!) And what the fuck was up with Zidane? The man has always been considered a class act. Why should he be less able to keep his head at 34 than 22? He's supposed to be a leader for God's sake. If you're going to do something stupid, it least cheat shamelessly like Maradona.
That said, it's hard to say that Zidane's ejection cost France the game. You need to stop at least one shot to win on P.Ks. And Barthez never looked remotely capable of doing so. In 98, he always was just good enough. This year, he was nothing but a coach for a backline that was protecting him. Once the game was in his hands...
I do think that the better team won. Italy knocked out the hosts, after all, and they were long overdue to win both a shootout and a major tournament. Most of all, the disallowed goal in the 65th minute was an absolute bullshit call. Everyone in Italy gets laid tonight, but only because it's Sunday.

Tales from North Platte

Living in a small town requires a nihilistic, beast-like mindset. There is no change, no culture, and nothing we would recognize as decency. Nobody and nothing ever changes. Everyone you know will be the same at 35 as they were at 18. The only notable difference being 2--6 semi-legitimate children.
This becomes clear to me every time I return to North Platte. It became especially clear at my cousin's "bachlor party". It was at the worst dive in town. I was reduced to drinking Bud Light rather quickly, though only to avoid being awkward and only after I learned the the best beer on tap was Michillob. Mu relations regaled each other with the same drug stories that they had been telling since they started telling drug stories. My attempts to relate to them were utter failures. They didn't know who Sleater-Kinney were. They didn't know who Ween (c'mon, fucking WeeN) were. I lost miserably at pool since I was embracing the void too much to make any real effort. Pour more urine down my throat and tell me how you want a Jesse James custom bike again.
We ended up at a in-law/drug dealer's house. I had been there many times before and smoked out of some custom made bong or another there many times before. This time was the same. Dealer's kid is ten now, and more obviously insane than ever. The child was still awake at midnight with no sign of exhaustion. He's going to have a hard time adjusting to juvie hall hours.
the wedding was held in the courthouse. It was incidental. My mother cried as is her wont. I thought about telling her that whether the couple would be happy or not 20 years from now was a matter of pure chance, and the wedding was unlikely to matter as far as this goes. But it would have been rude to bring this up just then. People who have nothing else need tradition.

Tales From North Platte

Henry Hill

Not Henry Hill





Surely you've heard of this man. He's Henry, from Goodfellas. You know, the smooth one, the cool one. You surely also know that "Goodfellas" is based on Hills autobiography. He really was a gangster, and he really was a rat. He really was faced with the choice of either turning states evidence or facing the punishment he deserved for being an unreliable coke monkey. Well , the story doesn't end there. In fact, it probably ends in my hometown.

First of all, it must be said that Martin Scorsese could make a tapeworm look like the baddest mofo who has ever lived. Indeed, this is exactly what he has done.

Hill had been living in the open for a few years when he came to North Platte in 2004. All of his victims were either dead from old age or had killed each other long ago. In the past, their successors would have carried on the vendetta against rats. But the mob ain't what it used to be. So Henry Hill came to town as Henry Hill, very willing to let us know that he was Henry Hill. There was a new hotel opening up by the interstate. It was going to be a fairly upscale place, and they were thinking of opening an Italian restauraunt. Hill, of course, is an accomplished cook.
If you have visions of Hill breaking out in a cold sweat in his kitchen, thinking about how he has to unload the guns on his Philiadelphia connections, bringing his brother home from the hospital and what to do about the helicoptor tailing him while George Harrison blares in the background please stop. This is what Hill wants you to do. You have no idea what kind of whore this man is. We were starstruck, of course, and the man did make good food. The bar at this hotel was pretty decent too. It seemed that Hill had found a nice place to live out his days.

But there were incidents. There was a D.U.I. where his b.a.c. was something over .3. There were "domestic incidents" with his new wife. And, of course, there was the coke. Yes, that's right kids, he still has the same habit that landed everybody but himself in jail. He was caught at the town airport with both coke and meth. He got along well with the locals. I wish this was the end, but...

Hill has become a semi-regular on the Howard Stern show. Stern is apparantly enthralled by the story of an inept criminal taking a small town by storm. Who wouldn't be? One day Hill claimed that two men had drugged him at a North Platte bar, took him to the woods and raped him. There are reasons to doubt this story. For one, give us some fucking credit, this isn't Arkansas. For another thing, there is a video that Hill is trying to make money off of.

The restaurant is in some trouble now, with its chef routingly going to jail. The bar actually became a hot spot in the time since I moved to Lincoln. My friend Rick was running the place, and this band of people I used to know played there last October. But alas, the manager of the hotel started to micromanage Rick's affairs. She changed the beer orders so that there would be an equal number of Heiniken and Bud Light, and demanded that the place get less "rowdy." Rick quit, and the bar closed down 2 months ago due to no profits.

As for Henry, he got out of jail last month. Other then that, who the hell cares? If you want some decent marinara sauce, wisit "Sundaygravy.net"

All Joking Aside

for you and me children, for you and me.

Happy Independence Day

This is the day where we reflect on the true essence of America: hating and conquering our enemies. Be sure to celebrate the holiday in a manner that will terrify the Barboroi. Do not apply any cutting agents to your hard liquor. If you can not afford explosives, then the only acceptible replacement would be to flagilate yourself as a show of loyalty to Ceaser. Do not eat any-non carnivorous foods. No vegetables shall touch our lips until we can garnish them in the blood of our enemies.

FYI

NASA is planning on sending Discovery into orbit tommarow, despite a crack in the insulation on the ship's motherfucking fuel tank! Fucking brilliant motherfuckers! Is this some sort of secret communist plan to ruin Independence Day forever? Expect a hell of a fireworks show in central Florida tomarrow.

(And The bodies red glare....)

Ninety pound cancer Girl pwnes every last one of us

=














Some see Lance Armstrong as the paragon of survival and determination. Fuck Lance Armstrong. Why should he get more respect than any other "man" who shaves his entire body and wears bright yellow in public? The true measures of strength are drinking and spontaneous public lesbianism.
These are the qualities that Allison Uberfrau has in spades. She is a two time cancer survivor, thanks to a new form of chemotherapy in which she drank her tumors to death. There really is no way to describe this level of badasisity unless one has seen it for oneself. Nonetheless, I will try to give you a basic rundown.

• There were several occasions in which she had a beer in one hand and a bottle of my vodka in the other
• There was one variation of this where she had a motherfucking 40 oz in one hand and the vodka in the other
• After six hours, she finally started showing vague hints of weakness, and I told her she could have one more drink before I put the vodka on ice. She drained a full third of the bottle.
  

Oh yes, and the dyke-out,She and homeboysexwhatshername.

This was no sports bar wet t-shirt contest smootch and giggle. I honestly thought they were going to orgasm with all of their clothes still on. Panting, light moans, stratigic groping of the upper thigh and crotch, good show. Unfortunately, Allison finally sucumbed to her own body weight in liquor, and was unable to consummate the encounter. If they had finished their game, I would never be able to look upon another human face and see anything but a pathetic weakling. I would be unable to write without the image reminding me of the inadequacy of my so-called creation. All existence would be pointless, like Toby Keith walking onstage after Hendrix burned his guitar at Monterey. But I can find solice in the fact that I can at least conceive of being that bad-ass. You on the other hand, never mind.

I have nothing to write

I've spent the last two days writing about the Nebraska drought, I'm wrote out. I guess I should congratulate the Supreme Court for striking down Gitmo tribunals, but I'm just not very inspired. It's fucking hot, you know how heat makes one not want to do anything but sleep, drink and fuck.

In truth, I am more inspired by bad news and the stupidity of those who disagree with me than I am by good news. I know it's not right, but yes, yes it is. Maybe I should go visit FreeRepublic. The sight of countless self-appointed defenders of American manhood trying to get themselves hard with outrage should give me some material. Or maybe I'll just play some pong instead.

Does Anyone Know Where to Find This Movie? (For Cheap?)

On second thought, fuck it, I'll just get the poster.

Ronaldo Goal Gives Teamate Gigantic Boner

A word on Connor Oberst

I was thinking about going to the free Bright Eyes concert in Omaha, but I was invited to a party, and I am at best a lukewarm fan, so I went to where the licquor was. In truth, there are only a handful of Bright Eyes songs that I actually like, while there are several that are quite wretched. I'm refering to the west Omaha sprawl concept album in particular. It is over-simplistic to describe Oberst as "emo". His self-description as a folk singer is actually closer to the truth. But this album sounded like a South Park parody of emo. The insanity of West Omaha can only be properly described through skillful satire. But Oberst is only capible of one flavor, earnestness. There is nothing wrong with earnestness, in fact I could use some myself. In the right context, (Lua) Oberst can be deeply moving with his earnestness. But a one trick pony is bound to be inconsistent.
Anyway, I'm mentioning the boychild mainly because of a story I heard a few weeks back. I spoke to someone who had been at one of Bright Eyes's Sokal Hall shows. He claims that Oberst walked of stage for a few minutes, than stumbled back on with a heroin tourniquet still attached to his arm. My friend disaproved.
I on the other hand, see this as a good thing. Oberst is older than I am. (He's 26) It's about damn time that he stopped slouching in public and stop combing his hair in that damn waterfall. Than again, if he likes the junk, than his slouching is more understandible. At any rate, I was glad to hear the story. Oberst should write an entire double album about his love for hard drugs. It would show his critics that he understands Rock'n'Roll is a man's game, and he just might teach a valuable lession to the mopey kids in the crowd.

The Existence of Budweiser Must be Hidden From the Outside World

The World-Herald felt the need today to defend American culture from some Germans who are distressed over the World Cup making sponsership deals with Mc'Donalds and Budweiser. The W-H apperently blames anti-American snobishness for these perfectly understandible concerns. "Imagine the reaction had America somehow won soccer's biggest prize" they say.

First of all if the U.S. won the World Cup, no one would notice. They would be too busy morning the sudden deaths of the other 30 teams in plane crashes. Second of all, there is nothing intrinsically anti-American in saying that Mc'Donalds is shit food and Budweiser is shit beer. I'm an American, and I can tell you as much, because it is not my snobbish opinion, but objective fact. Atoms are mostly empty space, the formula for water is H2O, Mc'Donalds is shit food. There are some who believe that our corporate bahemaths "represent" American culture instead of suck the life out of it. These people are called "suckers".
It is not as if we don't have a grand national culture and interesting regional variations, we do. The problem is that multi-billion dollar giants cannot "represent" this culture. There is a real American crusine that is equal or better than anything in Europe. Mc'Donalds ain't it. There are hundreds of small local breweries making beer that rivals Germany's best. Budweiser is absofuckinglutely not it.
I am not anti-capitalist, and I don't hate Mc'Donalds. I put Mc'Donalds food on the same level as Raman Noodles; except it's ten times more expensive and ten times less nutritious. Have you ever eaten Bratwurst or Sauerkraut? To say that a 10 course German meal is superior to Mc'Donalds is like saying that Strychnine is unhealthy.
Unfortunately, I can't bring myself to feel anything but burning rage for Budweiser. An ice-cold Bud that's been left in the fridge for six hours might taste like something vaguely resembling flat beer. As for Bud Light? Let's be clear, if you drink Bud Light, you are morally inferior to a rapist. You will rue the day when I'm in charge; there is only one final solution for Bud Light drinkers. If you can't afford something decent (Lincoln's own Empryan brew cost only a dollar more per six pack) than go for Steel Reserve. None of this middle-of-the-road, fauxhawk, karaoke night at Brother's shit. Trying to defend the Anheuser-Busch corperation is like shitting on the flag. Budweiser is the worst thing this country has ever done. Small-Pox blankets are a distant second.

Friday Fun Facts.

You know Gene, the guy on The Sopranos who hung himself at the beginning of this season? Remember how he stayed alive for nearly five minutes afte jumping off the crate, futilily tugging at the noose? Well, old Gene is a good reminder of what happens when we don't know how to kill ourselves properly. It also shows why knowing' one's history matters.
Hanging as a quick and painless form of execution is actually a fairly modern invention. The trap door "drop" in a gallows wasn't invented until the 18th century. This innovation causes instant death via a severed spinal cord. In the old days, however, this was far from the case. hanging victims didn't usually choke to death per se. Their breathing was restricted enough to add to the general discomfort, but not totally cut off. What usually killed them was the constriction of the jugular veins while the carotid artery continued to pump blood into the brain. This caused the brain to become engorged with unoxygenated blood until the victim eventually died from hundreds of micro strokes and aneuryisms. Sometimes, both the jugular and carotid were constricted, causing the brain to slowly starve. Notice the words I emphasized. If the hangman was really sloppy, an old-fashioned lynching could take more than an hour.
Simply put, a medieval hanging is hardly any better than crucifixion. And yet, this is what thousands of people who choose to suicide by hanging do to themselves. Eugene's five- minute "hangman's hornpipe" dance was actually much quicker and prettier than what really happens. Unless you want to go through the trouble of building a professional gallows, I would strongly advise against going out this way. If it seems like your life is out of control, nobody understands, and you just want all your troubles to go away; please, think overdose.

Happy Summer Solstice

I celebrated the 9:30 P.M. sunset by drinking Lenie's Berrywise on the roof of my apartment house. Then i went outside and danced in the rain when the storm came at around 10:30. There is nothing like a hard rain at the end of a hot summer day.
The beauty of the moment reminded me of the first day of spring. I happened to be outside when the sun broke out for the first time since the spring break blizzard. It was about 4:30 P.M. on the Vernal Equinox. That day began at about 20F and the temperture had climbed to near 40 by sunset. The next day it was over 50 and the foot of snow was melting nicely. This was a truly spiritual 24 hour period.
Summer, on the other hand, is all about pagan debauchery.

Pete Ricketts Quote (No Comment necessary)

Omaha World Herald- 6/20/2006

"Ricketts, who has said he is worth between $45 million and $50 million, is the son of the founder of the onlne stockbroker Ameritrade. He contendedthat Nelson had raised $10 million since 1995 in political campaings for the Senate. 'That doesn't come for free. That means he's got special intrest who got his ear,' Ricketts said.
But he acknowledged he is raising money from political action commitees- often linked to businesses, advocacy groups or assotiations that lobby Congress-and asserted that's different from Nelson's fundraising activities.
'The PACs give me money because they believe in me because they know that, with my own means, I'm not going tobe someone who is beholden to somebody because they wrote me a check.'"

Unchanging values

With heresy, homosexuality, and general filthiness dominating our once great society, there is comfort in the knowledge that here in the Heartland, we still realize that marriage vows are a sacred oath to God. Peg Harriot, executive director of the Omaha YWCA, wrote a guest column for the World-Herald on Saturday. She wrote about wives who stood by their men despite what may have been overzealous discipline by their heaven-ordained masters. The women she cites (humble enough to accept psudonyms) are a powerful example to misguided libertarians who wonder why these dodly wives don't "just leave"

"Rachel still believes in her boyfriend's ability to change. She knows that he really doesn't want to hurt her. She sees that he really doesn't like himself when he explodes. She loves him and wants to give him another chance."
"Diane sees how good her husband is with her two sons. They love him, and they need a father. She is relieved that he is not lashing out at them, only her."
"Jane commited to marriage until 'death do us part.' Her church community encourages her to keep trying-divorce will result in rejection from her church."
"Tamora grew up with a father who beat her mother and the kids to keep everyone in line. She knows no other way, isn't that what happens in all families?"
"Emma is so beaten and tired she can barely think straight. She had difficulty sleeping, and she is easily overpowered. beerhas helped numb the pain. If she lays low, doesn't question anything, and lets him 'have his way with her,' she gets beaten less.
"Connie realizes she must leave; she is very sad, lonely, and terrified at what the future will bring. When she and her two children walk away, they will be leaving their home, their personal treasures, the toys, a father, financial stability, health insurance, grandparents for the kids, schools and Connie's part-time job. She doesn't know if her family will support her or not. They have been clear that they expect her to make the marriage work."

Some may find her examples disturbing. I, however, am filled with gratitude that I live in a state that recognizes the unguestionable truth of traditional values. Women are meant to reproduce and serve. Thank God we don't have any of those hairy-pit femi-nazis from California out here teaching our women that they have "rights'.
http:// www.omaha.com/index.php?u_pg=609&u_sid=2190352

World Cup Update

Kudos to the U.S. team for hanging tough yesterday despite getting shafted by the ref. Whatever happans Thursday, this has to go down as one of our all-time great efforts.
You know how tough the Italians can be...

Mr Heartland Auditons for the Onion: Take 2

Supreme Court Rules That 4th Amendment Violates Founders Original Intent

Oklahoma Rep Declares Unity More Important Than Being Right or Wrong About War
(This really happened)

Chambers Has U.N.O. Shut Down Over Slap Incident
Omaha branch of University closed for three months, first noticed yesterday.

Nebraskans confused by Hahn's Stand on "Issues"
"What does he think about queers and spics?" they ask.

The N.U. board of regents is raising tuition again/ merry christmas

Some may question the wisdom of creating a nation full of high-school educated, ununionized serfs beholden to their corporate masters. These people have no appreciation for discipline. Just look at the kids in your hometown who went to college, they act so uppity, don't they? They never would have gotten those weird, pagan ideas in their heads if it wasn't for college. It would be far better if they stayed home and settled down. We must all settle down. We will make higher education unattainable for you. We will cut taxes for the rich so that they can give you a shit job they know you can't refuse. Any extra money we do have will be indulged on the police and military. Our media will echo stories of the same handful of child molestors over and over again until you think everyone outside of your church is a child molestor. This way you will accept how we spend the public money. You claim to vote for us because you respect tradition; that you fear terroists, criminals, and homosexuals. This may be true, but deep down, you vote for us because you recognize the need for discipline. You obey the president. You obey the sheriff. You obey your boss. In return, you receive obedience from your wife and children. If we are allowe free free thought, who knows what might happen? Your children may start talking back/castrating you. Hell, who knows what the mrs. would have said to your proposal if she had a real choice. Meanwhile, you would still have to work 12 hours a day in the pig shit factory, with no compensation to look forward to at home. We must all settle down.

Post for the sake of a post

I am doing a story on the current Nebraska drought for my Jour204 class. so far i have found out that the climate is only going to get hotter and windier. Winters will be shorter,(preventing the ground from freezing and perserving soil moisture) the Ogalala aquafer is going dey, and no one in any postion of authority knows what to do about it beyond hoping that nature suddenly bestows mercy on its playthings.

By the way, have you ever heard of Buffalo Commons? You may have heard that it was a secret communist/United Nations/ACLU/satanis plot to steal land from farmers and ranchers on the western plains. Actually, the idea entails establishing a huge nature reserve after said farmers and ranchers leave of their own volition. it was presumed that the old Great American desert prophecy would come true; that the western plains had to few resources to support large-scale agriculture and would eventually be incapible of supporting anything approaching modern civilization. This idea grows less radical by the year. Omaha, Lincoln, and other mid-sized cities on the edge of the prairie should be o.k., though they will take on the same weird vibe as a generic desert suburb popping up in the Nevada badlands. We're already half-way there.

Paul Krugman's bullshit detector is nearly as strong as mine

I can't link to a TimesSelect article without sicking the suede denim secret police on myself. But if you have a Select subscription, I highly recommend that you read what the last liberal economist has to say about "some democrats". I have nothing clever to say about it, I spent five hours on an assignment that was given today and is due tomarrow. Just an Old Style or Two and some tenticle porn and than it's off to bed.

World Cup Summary

The Czech Republic has proven itself to be the greatest nation on Earth. We have no choice but to surrender to superior beer and horrifying absurdist literature.

World Cup Post (Why the Hell not?)

Team U.S.A. plays the Czech Republic; one of my ancestral motherlands, tomarrow. I predict a tie. You can do that in soccer. Isn't that cool? The purpose of this post, such as it is, is to discuss changing cultural attitudes about the game.
Soccer's place in mainstram American society has improves from hostility to indifference. However, there are still right-wing radio and internet trolls who still think that soccer is a game played by dirty foreigners. They reason that since soccer is not genericly American, it must be anti-American. I have even seen some internet posters say that soccer is a sport for sissies, even "gay". complete with hilarious pictures of crotch-holding and de-pants footballers. On the other hand, we Americans (or the portion of Americans who are real Americans) watch real games played by real men.
There are some smart-ass hippie types who claim that simply admiring another man's manhood is gay. Certainly not. I pay a hundred dollars to watch strong young black man pound each other in pursuit of domination and bond with their equally manly teamates on the field. What could be less gay than that? All those queers and long-haired foreign wakos out there just need to watch a lonn, hard-fought, sweaty American football game to understand what real fucking manhood is about.

Notes From the Celebrate Lincoln Festival

1. I regret to inform you that I sold out to the man. I bought two cups of three dollar, "International" beer. The selection offered by the "International" booth was made up mostly of Guiness, Warsteiner, Red Stripe, and other brands that our widely available in any college-town bar. But what could i do? The organisers had siged a usery contract with beer and soft drink companies, so outside drinks wern't allowed. It was beastly hot, and not having some form of alcohol was unthinkable because
2. Electric soul method is the best band in town. Thsy happan to be an all-white funk band, not there's anything wrong with that. At any rate, the vocalist/sax player looks like Mickey Rourke; which gives them a faint air of dirtiness.
3. This is supposed to be a "multicutural" festival (try baklava with chopsticks.) However, the workers who manned the African, South Asian, and Hawaiian booths were clearly Anglo-Saxon.
4. Native/Indians refered to themselves as "Natives" and to their food as "Indian Tacos". Native Americans did not invent the taco. Nor did they invent sour cream and shredded cheese.
5. Why were there fucking ponies? This isn't the state fair. There is no excuse for having a pile of horse shit right in the middle of downtown. Just imagine the disgrace if Dysentery breaks out in an American city.
6. All in all, no where near as lame as North Platte's Nebraskaland Days

Walker Tire Ad: Page 13, Lincoln Journal Star

Arab Stereotype # 1. (Riding camel with sunglasses-ho ho) We've got the whole world mad at us about our oil prices Arab Stereotype # 2: Except Walker Tire customers-They get free Oil Changes for the Life of their tires!

Wow, the layers of ignorance are incredible. First of all, Lincoln has the biggest middle eastern immigrant community in the state, and they have cars to. Smooth move Walker Tire. Second of all-it's not the fucking oil changes that have me eating raman. Third, their are a variety of reasons for the uptick in oil prices; supply and demand being the biggest one. OPEC has a monopoly because we Americans have accepted years of auto industry propaganda that taught us that spending billions on roads and securing oil supplies was . American and Capitalist, while riding bikes or solor cars was for hippies and homos. Finally, racist imagery can do so much better...

Alleluia he is risen

Happy 6/6/6

Summer School rulez

My Journalism 204 class is being taught by (shudder) a T.V. anchor, but he's tolerable enough. And I like the idea of doing a news story in lue of a final exam. I'm thinking of doing something about the history of my neighborhood (T-Town) or general poverty in Lincoln; I could interview myself. Than again, if anyone out there has a grandad who fucked Hitler, let me know.

I go on long walks for exercise

Today I walked on 14th from campus to Van Dorn and back. I highly recommend this activity. One can get a very good look at the different faces of Lincoln this way. Downtown, the ghetto (The rather mild Nebraska version, at least.), from G to South, and than the old "rich neighborhood" from South to Highway 2. This strech is mostly older, upper-middle class people now. I do believe I saw a street prostitute at around Washington Street, but don't quote me here. In other news, I am still hung over 18 hours after my last drink.

Facing damnation like a man

Some seek connection to mainstream society through religion. This is simply not an option for me, so I choose baseball. This is probably why I can sense the smell of doom permiating Lincoln better than most.

You see, this year's U.N.L. baseball team was supposed to be the chosen one. They started off even better then last year's best-ever team. They swept an Alabama team that won the S.E.C. ; American college baseball's equivalent to La Liga. But woe, at the end of the season, they started to sputter.

Now they have lost the first game ot their own regional tournament. True, the tournament is technically double-elimination. So all we have to do is win four consecutive games in three days and we'll be just fine. Of course, we only have three good unused pitchers left. So that even if everything does go to plan we will probably have to start Joba Chamberlin on two days rest in the last game. Sure, this has been done before; back in the Monty Python handlebar mustache days when 100-pound 30-year-old men would strike out on 70 m.p.h. fastballs.

Now is the time that tries mens souls. I am a Democrat, and no stranger to defeat. I shall accept whatever random fate the universe spits out. But it is sad that, on the one occasion when I ally myself with the jock class, that they choose to fail me. Than again, if we do manage to win four games in three days, please disregard the previous statement.

Xenophobes have a Strange View Of Reality

Letter To The Lincoln Journal-Star: May 30, 2006

I read with interest Justin Firestone's letter' "The color of Immigrants" (LJS, May 25) I have no objection to "dark-skinned Spanish-speaking choizo bearers" legally entering the United States.
I do object to "dark-skinned Spanish-speaking members of the MS-13 gang bearing crystal meth,heroin, terrorism, and possibly the avian flu" entering this country illegally.

Well, let's do this point by point. First of all, the MS-13 gang is a street gang, period. Good? No. Worse than your friendly local chapter of the Crips? No. They actually formed in L.A, as a confederation of Salvadorian immigrants (both legal and illegal, it doesn't matter on the street) who organized for the purpose of defending themselves on L.A.'s famously balkanized streets. It was only a matter of time before they started pimping and dealing crank; California is a bastion of free enterprise. The only reason why there are MS-13 members doing the Logan's Run accross the Arizona desert is because some uninvited immigrant members of the Salvadorian gang have been caught and sent back to El Salvador; where they then recruted members who proceeded to head north. May the circle be unbroken. There have been some rumors that the gang is affiliated with Al-Quida. (Which explains the terrorism charge in the letter) There is no evidence whatsoever that this is true. There are those who believe that every man, woman, and child who does not live between the Rockies and the Mississipi is a terrorist. Some of these people buy their crystal-meth from MS-13. May the circle be unbroken.

It is true that there is a large amount of crystal passing through Yuma as we speak. Why is this the case? Is there a secret conspiracy to polute our white women so badly that they are left incapable of producing future Huskers? Well, no. If you are old enough to read this, you will remember the that the methamphetamine "epidemic" started about ten years ago.

The truth of the matter is that there was no sudden explosion in meth-addicts in the mid nineties. There have always been tweakers digging through your trash. Meth is as Nebraskan as a cheeseburger and Old Style on a summer night. But Sheriff Departments and Highway Patrols needed something to justify their funding; and marijauna just wasn't scary enough any more. And so we saw the stories of teenagers being corrupted and horrifying pictures of girls-next doors smoking themselves into mummies. Sure enough, the police got their money, and their swat/sort/go teams proceeded to scour the hills for meth-labs.

To their credit, the police did shut down a large percentage of the meth-labs in the midwest. But of course the market was still there, and foreign entrepreneurs were happy to fill the niche.
I share the letter-writer's concern on this matter. It's the biggest national disgrace since the rise of the Japanese auto industry. But the solution is not to wall off the border. For God's sake man; are you some sort of anti-trade communist? We can revive local meth production by reducing regulations and cutting funding to government bureaucracy. The State Patrol in this case.

As for the bird-flu concern, I'm not even going to joke. This is naked racism. Unless you live under the reverse-P.C. logic that there is no such thing as racism, than what other explanation could there be? The writer is openly stating that foreigners are "dirtier" than real Americans. True, those in the third world do not have the luxury of a daily shower. But let's not kid ourselves. On the biological level, this doesn't mean much. Humans who live in the heart of civilization are just as filthy as every other living thing. We are nothing but jungles for parasites.. with blogs. As a matter of fact, we are more likely to spread the bird-flu to Latin America than vice- versa. Either because of a bird migrating from Siberia to Alaska, or a sick soldier coming home from the Mid-East, or a jet-setting continental catching the bug in Paris and bringing it to New York.

In closing, let me suggest that if you have a problem with our immigration policy, you will have to do better than to sight some obscure right-wing mindfear trick. Otherwise losers like me will spend the early hours of the morning picking your letter apart.