To The Hon. Benjamin J. Nelson

Dear Sir:

Stop being a pussy. When I say stop being a pussy, you should realize the significance of this. You see, I hav nothing against moderates. We could use more nice, quiet, friendly folk like you. It should be a required trait for waitresses, drive-through workers, and prostitutes. I was not offended when you voted for tax cuts that the government can't afford. I have a bit of a libertarian streak, and the thought of the federal government choking to death on its own bullshit is quite pleasing to me. I was not horribly offended when you voted for the war. It was a different climate then. One did not point out that the WMD claims were obvious bullshit in polite discourse, and you're as polite as they come, arn't you? And ultimatelly, of course, I would sooner vote for you than Pete Rickets. (a.k.a. Republican cliche-bot 3000)

But now you're really starting to test my patience. You vote for the anti-gay marraige amendment and the anti- flag burning amendment, making you one of the few Democrats to acheive the non-existent problem solver double crown. You are also unique among Dems in your desire to uproot illegal immigrant families in order to save us from the Spanish language.

But now you've done something really stupid. You voted against using embryos for stem-cell research? Why? It can't be because of your beliefs, everybody knows you don't believe in anything. Was it for political gain? There was nothing to gain. You already have the Nebraska-right-to-life endorsement. This is an issue that divides even the pro-choice movement. Orin Hatch; the conservative Mormon who moonlights as a Christian lounge singer, can vote for the research and still be safe in Utah. Certainly you can do the same and not hurt yourself in Nebraska.

This research can cure diseases and save human lives. Not protozoans who happen to have human DNA, but actual human lives. The only people who are against this research are the hard-core right wingers. Those who hate their own and everybody else's filthy humanity. Those who hide their nihilism behind a facsist brand of Christianity. They know as well as the rest of us do that to not decide is to decide. "Human life", weather blastocysts or alzheimers victims, will end one way or another. But they want to leave it in "God's hands." Far better to die than to have one's life saved by filthy human reason. You will never win over these people. They will vote against you simply to maintain a Republican Senate. It is obvious even now that they could tip the election to Rickets; despite the fact that he is a human strawman version of a Republican. You are wasting your time, and you are contributing to human suffering in doing so.

In closing, you have five months before election day to do something, anything, that resembles courage. Otherwise I just might pull a Nader on your punkass and write in Ernie Chambers.

Sincerely,
Mr. Heartland