Dé Máirt, Lúnasa 17, 2010

All Hail Justice A6381H2

Tim Wildman of the American Family Association recently wrote a piece for the LA Times op-ed page regarding the overturning of prop 8. Among the list of perfectly solid pseudo-populist claims is the following passage..

This judge believes that defining a person by sexual behavior is the same as defining a person by skin color. And given the fact that he is widely reported to be homosexual, it is obvious he believed this before the case was even brought to his courtroom. Walker should have recused himself, but he had a legal and political statement he wanted to make.

It certainly is shocking that a judge of the law would be so arrogant as to make a legal statement, but unfortunately this is a problem that goes far beyond this particular case. Of more immediate concern is the fact that Judge Walker is 'widely reported to be homosexual.' Dear God, but this isn't even the tip of the iceberg! The horrible truth is that throughout history there have been thousands of rulings regarding sex and marriage laws made by thousands of different judges, and every single one of these judges have been biased by the fact that they themselves had sexuality. Surely any fair-minded person would be outraged by this fact.

And I'm afraid that this problem requires nothing less than the most radical solution possible. If we are not willing to eliminate all sex laws completely than we must accept that they continue to be enforced only through institutions existing beyond the nation-state, and indeed beyond the human race.

I therefore call upon the International Court of Justice at the Hague to formally invite this fellow, The Honorable A6381H2, self-replicating Amoeba, to preside as sole arbiter for all legal questions regarding sex, marriage, and family law for the entire human species.

I can assure you that Mr./Ms. A6381H2 is most eminently qualified for the position, having gained super intelligence from an industrial accident on Lake Baikal and from there earning doctorates in both international law and world religion at the University of Moscow. In addition Mr./Ms. A6381H2 is fluent in twenty of the most commonly spoken human languages and is an excellent tennis player.

It is true that such an action would effectively make Mr./Ms. A6381H2, (or any other hyperintelligent single-celled asexual being) the most powerful living entity to ever exist. I can see how this would be a cause of concern to many, especially those who are already suspicious of multi-national institutions. But when you consider that the podunk county judge signing your marriage certificate may have very well had sex last night, or at the very least was up late writing slash fiction involving Betty Rizzo and Elizabeth Bennet, we simply have no other choice.

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