Song of Songs, (Or Salomon) is well known as the 'dirty' book of the Bible, I'm sure that every Catholic school child has had their moment of flipping through the Song and class and giggling uncontrollably. But once one reaches adulthood it is still perfectly appropriate to laugh at this book, not because it's dirty but because it would be a shoo-in for the "Bad Sex Writing in Fiction award" (http://www.literaryreview.co.uk/badsex.html) in any year it was entered. Here's some of the best examples.
"1:2 (The Woman)/ Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for your love-making is sweeter than wine"
Kiss you with kisses from his mouth ehh? While there is certainly nothing on the human body that can't or hasn't been kissed I do wonder what other organ this boy has used to kiss with.
1:9 (the Man)/ "I compare you, my love, to my mare harnessed to Pharaoh's chariot."
2:4 (Woman) He has taken me to his cellar, and his banner over me is love.
See above photo.
3;1-4 (Woman) "On my bed at night I sought the man who is my sweetheart: I sought but could not find him!
So I shall get up and go through the city; in the streets and in the squares, I shall seek my sweetheart. I sought but could not find him!
I came upon the watchmen -- those who go on their rounds in the city: 'Have you seen my sweetheart?'
Barely had I passed them when I found my sweetheart. I caught him, would not let him go, not till I had brought him to my mother's house, to the room where she conceived me!"
Seriously? You get down like that?
4:1 (Man)/ "your hair is like a flock of goats surging down Mount Gilead."
4:2 (Man)/ Your teeth, a flock of sheep to be shorn when they come up from the washing. Each one has its twin, not one unpaired with another.
Understand that ancient Israel was a very rural society. It's not as if we moderns are the ones who invented 'lonely farmer and his sheep' jokes.
4:5 (Still the man)/ Your two breasts are two fawns, twins of a gazelle, that feed among the lilies.
I will pay real money to any man who can prove he successfully seduced a woman with the "Your tits look like deer" line.
5:4 (Woman) / "My love thrust his hand through the hole in the door; I trembled to the core of my being."
Is this a metaphor for something? I think it could stand to be a little less
6:8-9 (Man) "There are sixty queens and eighty concubines (and countless girls).
My dove is my only one, perfect and mine."
Which one is it playa?
8: 1-2 (Woman)/ Ah, why are you not my brother, nursed at my mother's breast! Then if I met you out of doors, I could kiss you without people thinking ill of me.
I should lead you, I should take you into my mother's house, and you would teach me!
Damn, just... damn. Yeah I think we're done here.