Dé Máirt, Eanáir 27, 2009

For In These Days There Is no Ernie Chambers, Every Man Does What He Thinks Best.

Mark Christensen, Christian supremacist state senator for the profoundly sociopathic berg of Imperial, has a problem with eastern licentiousness, and is trying to pass a bill that would, among other things, prevent strippers from showing their damnation udders after 11PM, and would forbid "adult-themed businesses" from operating within a quarter-mile of a school, day-care center, playground facility, residence, or church." Since every municipality that isn't some western Nebraska Thunderdome has at least one of these facilities within every quarter mile of space it takes up, it is quite obvious that the bill is a backhanded attempt to ban strip clubs and porn shops altogether.

I remember the days when Christensen was a Unicam rookie. He was downright cute back then, what with his aww-shucks attempt to legalize roadside bear traps and gosh-darnit gushing to the Journal Star about the Aryaness of his children. He was just a kid having fun out there. But I suppose it was only a matter of time before he up and did something truly stupid, it was only a question of how soon. Quite frankly I was expecting him to call for restricting public office to those who baptize their children with prairie dog gore by now, but this is perfectly stupid enough.

But perhaps I'm being too harsh on the man. He does after all come from a part of the world where AM radio is still considered to be the great marvel of mass communication. Christensen's bill is a solid twenty years too late even by right-wing standards. In fact it might be enough to inspire "Right-Wing 80's Night" at The Bricktop. They could play heavy metal records backward while mumbling about infant sacrifice. Rewards would be given out for "best ethnic underclass inner-city boogeyman costume" and tip jars could be replaced by "donations to the freedom fighters in Nicaragua." It would truly be a magnificent time for all.

The retroness of Christensen's anti-porn bill is made all the stranger by the fact that he has a website that he himself seems to have personally written on. http://www.nebraskalegislature.gov/senators/senator_blogs.php?SenatorID=68

I find it hard to believe that the senator has never given in to the temptation to Google "humble Christian Women who desire nothing but to be good Christian wives, mothers, and homemakers, but are still totally down with hot lesbian pussy if that's what their men want them to do" But just in case Christensen has indeed never given in to such an impulse, allow me to give some examples for why his bill is a hopeless anachronism.

Go get pegged you podunk WASP shitheel bastard.

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