Dé hAoine, Eanáir 09, 2009

But Anyway

None of the normal milestones of life have meant anything to me. First car, first girlfriend, first apartment, high school graduation, college graduation, all I have felt towards any of these is resentment of those who accept without question that these are important events and approached me with breathless and loud enthusiasm. My parents still take it personally. At some level they still think that I hold something against them. They are still unable to conceive of someone being scornful towards the idea that there is a natural track to life. Now that I think of it I'm sure my mother had some idea in her mind of what the grand occasion of my college graduation would be like. How she must of looked forward to it, but I can't help her. The two hours of high school commencement were infinitly more hellish then my week in jail, and nothing like it must happen again. There is my own brain and there is the universe outside of it, always. My achievements will never be offered for celebration to the general public. Neither will my existence.

I've always felt that if their really is such a thing as a universal human nature; with universal desires and universal emotional reactions, then human existence is essentially fraudulent. Perhaps I am simply stuck in adolescent rebellion against this. Still I believe that liberty exists only when biology is nonexistent. If I had to live under all of the same biological imperatives as a woman, there is no question that I would be insane or dead by now. I have spoken of others before about uploading my consciousness to the internet, and though these conversations were fantastic and jovial, I wasn't kidding. If the means were available to do so I would do it, and will if the means appear before I die. What sort of half-awake fool actually enjoys being a body?

But I don't feel low now. Today is the sort of mildly cool day that makes me feel like a kid again. The spring recesses are the ones I remember, and though it's absurd to talk of Spring it is delightful to be able to smell the melting dirt. And I can accept this physical world without reservation so long as I am the one setting the terms for how I do so.

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