Dé Máirt, Aibreán 13, 2010

The Bailiff of Guernsey

Do you know what it takes to be the Bailiff of Guernsey? The Channel Islands, they're fucking important you know, right there in the Channel, easy lillypad for the enemy, points straight towards the mainland. Easy invasion jumping off point Guernsey.

Historically anyone seeking Bailiff had to have their hands tied behind their backs and over their crotches and than have their feet strapped to their shoulders with sealing wax. Being left in this position for seventy eight days in a darkened room guarantees your honesty. After this you are presented before the monarch and simply state, (not swear, since you've been rendered incapable of lying) that you shall be loyal to the monarch for the rest of your days and commit the citizenry of Guernsey to fight to the last child if the invader comes. You can just send an e-mail anymore. the Queen rather prefers that.

The position is for life though not hereditary, and you will likely be tested at some point of your professional life. In spite of your new constitutional honesty you are a privileged man, snd so you must be tested. The tests that we know of have all been the same since the beginning. The Monarch drunk drives to your place from Paris and asks if he can stay the night. To this you will of course say of course. But this is not the test. The test begins when the Queen's guards 'kidnap' your children around four in the morning. (No, your kids aren't in on the gag, not usually.) An hour later they'll call you on the phone claiming to be giants or Muslims or sirens and demand you give them the keys to Guernsey in return for your children. Guernsey is an island. Islands don't have keys. If this is how you answer than you fail the test. There is no pragmatism in justice, no weak, willed thought or practical judgment. So the only correct answer is to refuse the ultimatum and challenge the kidnappers to a fight to the death. They will agree to this and meet you at the town square around dawn. They may or may not be wearing a papaer-mache costume (Called a mayyfv) of whatever enemy they're pretending to be, but it will be your responsibility to recognize them all the same. If you win the fight, and the Queen decides not to have you executed for killing her grocery boy, you pass the test. Pass the test three times and you win veto power over Irish weather.

It's been said that all of the Bailiffs of Guernsey have been impotent since the
"Chunnel" was opened, but in fact the opposite is true. This is why James I was never the slightest bit fooled by the "son of" Bailiff Rigjycke, and why those who to this day believe the legend of this "son" and his supposed exploits in Asia are just damned blinkered fools. There was nothing of the man that wasn't fraudulent, and he killed John Calvin, the swine.

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