Dé hAoine, Feabhra 15, 2008

John Stuart Mill Knew his Shit

"Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives."

Conservatives will often try to pass themselves off as the true populists due to the mean ivory-tower liberals who use big words like "rhetorical fallacy" or "willfully obtuse." Liberals are often derided for our apparent scorn of the "common people*" out of touch with the "real America*"

* Please note that the "real America" is restricted to settlements of fewer than 100,000 people and their environs, while the honorific "common people"is restricted to high-school educated substance level workers (WHITE!/oh shush you) who begin producing multiple children in their teens and early twenties. Please note that approximately three-fourths of the American population are ineligible to be either common people or part of the real America.

Part of this contempt for simple thinkers is nothing but snobbery, and I am as guilty of that as many others. But is this contempt completely unjustified? Are we to accept the more amusing conservative beliefs as valid simply because they are honestly and sincerely felt? More to the point, are liberals justified in considering ourselves smarter than conservatives? This is not for me to say. I can not give an unbiased judgment on the matter, and in all likelihood neither can anyone else. All I can do is point out the following.

* If you honestly believe that their was no crystal meth problem in the Midwest before the Mexicans came, you are probably a conservative.

* If you also believe that said Mexicans (Yes yes, you have nothing against LEGAL immigrants, nobody's buying it.) are nothing but a horde of leprosy-addled pedophiles in league with Al-Quida, Fidel Castro, and Magua, you are probably a conservative.

* If you think having to press 1 for English is an unprecedented corruption of cultural purity, you are probably a conservative; and you seriiiiousssly need to get out and see a city larger than Lincoln or Omaha.

* But only if you are able to do so without being so terrified of the teeming hordes or rapists, murderers, and junkies known to inhabit the big city that you are unable to notice or appreciate anything. If this proves too much for you, you are almost certainly a conservative.

* If you believe that global warming is nothing but a massive conspiracy involving the entire scientific and academic worlds to take away your automopenis, you are probably a conservative.

* If you believe that, since World War II was justified, every war the U.S. chooses to fight forevermore magically becomes World War II, you are probably a conservative.

* If you think that the East Coast is being rent asunder by roving gangs of pink-pistol bearing Lesbians, you are probably a conservative.

* Yes I know, we all wish it were true.

* If you think that anyone wearing a T-shirt bearing an Arabic phrase should be kicked off a plane; since we all know that Arabic is a language composed of nothing but terrorist threats, with no words for things like "tree", "sunlight", "house" or "lunch" (To say these things the Arab must revert to a degraded form of English, the true language of God) you are probably a conservative.

* The actual language of God is of course Latin. But then if you're able to read at all you certainly already knew this.

*If you think that Christmas would be utterly ruined by the removal of the three-dollar, blow-job-faced angels surrounding the courthouse wall, you are probably a conservative.

*Indeed, if you believe in an emotionally weak God who would be utterly shattered without the official approval of your government; definitely a conservative.

* Remember the old Pentagon story about Pat Tillman single-handedly holding off the Taliban for two hours before he ran out of ammunition? If you saw nothing funny about this story, if you honestly believe that one American has the strength of fifty foreigners and that our military is composed of a million pocket Roland's, you are probably a conservative.

* If you still don't know that Tillman was a Chomsky-admiring atheist who opposed the Iraq War, you are almost certainly a conservative.

* If you think that a tax hike (on anything, for any reason, ever) is a bigger threat to your liberty than making social pariahs and bogeymen out of those who question authority, you are probably a conservative.

* If you think that would-be dictators are obsessed with taking your guns; when they have in fact removed any need for doing so by taking your brain, you are probably a conservative.

* If you know nothing about the nation of France beyond their recent losing streak to the Germans, (Such as why elitist, freedom-hating Americans tend to move there whenever your ilk take over) you are probably a conservative.

* If you think that Ted Nugent has been able to achieve an erection at any point in the past thirty-five years, you are probably a conservative.

* If you think that a country-music singer who loves Jesus and America to the point of conflating the two is a "rebel" for drinking himself to death, you are probably a conservative.

* If you think that Hillary Clinton is a two-faced, loud-mouthed bulldyke bitch-cunt; but you have no problem with powerful women and don't-I-dare say you do, you are probably a conservative.

* If you think that Barrack Obama is secretly a Muslim, or if you ever believed that baby-sacrificing Satanic pedophiles were running loose in your town, you are probably a conservative. (Seriously, you're in church eight times a week, you should have some idea how hard it would be to secretly practice a religion.)

* If you have ever even considered taking John Wayne seriously, at all, well enough for now.

You see what I'm getting at here. It's not that there aren't left-wingers who believe dumb things. I'll grant you the 9-11 truthers and the Kennedy conspiracy theorists. (Though, in all honesty, the JFK theories aren't all that stupid until you get into shot by the driver without anyone noticing/secret Freemason ritual territory, and this is really politically neutral lunacy isn't it?) It's just that there aren't nearly so many stupid beliefs that are considered acceptable within the liberal mainstream. The logical leap that the conservative must make in order to believe himself both divinely-ordained master of the universe and terribly put-upon victim is truly sublime. I have a powerful lust for the day when we can vote these knuckleheads out of power. Than we won't have to worry about having the nation's nuclear arsenal in the hands of children and we can all sit back and laugh at the joke that American conservatism has become.

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