Déardaoin, Deireadh Fómhair 01, 2009
Surely I'm the Only English Major to Bitch About Banned Books
It's Banned Books Week, and this year's winner for most banned book in America is "And Tango Makes Three", the story of homo penguins Roy and Silo and their adoption of a chick whose natural parents were unable to care for more than one child at a time.
As with anything involving gayness, the gay penguin book has inspired all of the tired claptrap about "promoting the homosexual agenda" and "undermining Christian values," and I must say that when I read the book to my baby cousin, the part where Roy and Silo pop Amyl, grind to Kylie Mynogue at a Village club, and felate total strangers in the bathroom was a little off-putting. Mostly though the asshole segment of the American population is bothered by the book because of how it puts the lie to the old "homosexuality is unnatural" canard. The truth of course is that gayness is utterly rampant in the animal kingdom, and it takes a great deal of willful blindness to not notice. Sure you can chalk up your two hunting dogs having at each other to some sort of prison sex thing; but then come along these gay penguins right there in New York, and then along comes some fucker who writes a book about them, and the perfect naturalness of anumal gayness becomes almost impossible to ignore.
Well that's what you get motherfuckers. I loath homophobia, and more than that I trully dispise citing the naturalness or unaturalness of a thing as proof that is just and good or not. Nature is the incarnation of nihilism and anarchism. Our precious instincts are nothing but electric needles prodding us to become decaying vehicles for self-perpepetuating chemical mechinations that are wholly indifferent to us; wholly devoid of meaning or value. There is no circle of life. There is no Gaia system uniting all biological existense into some damned cosmic Kumbaya. But I digress.
Any man who raised in the Midwest has no chance of getting through boyhood without some shithead giving him the plug-and-socket metaphor. The correlation between homophobia and strong religious belief is based largely on the notion that the "perfect fit" between penis and vagina is the ultimate proof of an interventionalist God. A God who personally dictates the laws of society, determines what our social and gender roles shall be, what our desires shall be, makes sure our socks match in the morning, etc.
They have it precisely backwards. The reproductive process for placental mammals is indeed quite impressive, almost like clockwork though not quite. Mistakes still happen, and it wasn't until humans invented the abortion clinic that mothers had a more of disposing their dead and unwanted that was more appealing than eating them. At any rate placentals are the exception. Sex among the lower animals is a smorgasboard of methods that are by turns wasteful, needlessly dangerous, and frequently hilarious.
There's a lot of cloaca rubbing. The cloaca is the all-purpose rear oriface possessed by most birds and reptiles, male and female. Reproduction among birds involves a method known as the "cloacal kiss." Male and female back up to each other, line up holes, and then it's basically a game of ball-and-cup. Gay birds? They do it exactly the same way. What else are they going to do? It's hard to imagine why even bible-thumpers would be bothered by same-sex relationships among creatures who all carry the same junk. All bird sex is essentially lesbian sex. If you're worried about strange sexuality shattering your delusions of an orderly universe, than never mind gay penguins, worry about the coalca. Turn your extended family into a cult and picket Thanksgiving dinners.