Dé Céadaoin, Aibreán 09, 2008

The Miracle of Life

We watched this sex-ed documentary in my eleventh grade biology class, if I remember right the title wasn't exactly "The Miracle of Life" but something similar; complete with vaginal-wall cam and uterovision. Perfectly graphic, nothing obscured or faded out. You may be surprised to learn a Catholic school would subject its students to extreme close-up views of a thrusting penis or the army of spermatozoa battling their way through the dead ends and black holes of the lady.

But it was quite deviously brilliant, if you think about it. It is impossible to watch this film and be filled with anything but loathing for sex and reproduction. I'm thinking especially of the aforementioned vaginal-wall cam and thrusting penis. My God; the sight of that mushroomhead suddenly appearing and hurling itself towards you; until your entire line of vision is enveloped by head-of-dick, and every pore and dent of head-of-dick can be seen perfectly by your Gulliveresque microbe eyes.

And then comes the orgasm, which is actually very comforting by comparison, soothing in the matter of mixing a cup of hot tea or staring into a lava-lamp after a six-day coke party, you see the blending of these contrasting fluids and think that perhaps there really is something beautiful about this union between the sexes.

But then comes the malignant-tumor zygote, followed by the hellish superterrestrial demon fetus, and the birth.

The birth.

You speak of the miracle and beauty of life. I don't believe that you've ever had the pleasure of seeing placental matter ejected from a nine-inch-wide vagina.

Perhaps if it were my own wife birthing my own child, I would learn to find this sudden vomiting of bloody flesh to be something more than horrifying. But I really don't think so; I mean, I really don't think so.

My ancestral faith teaches me that sex is a filthy and shameful thing; and in fact this is not completely untrue. The main problem with this idea is its narrowness; its failure to follow its own logical thread to where it must go. Because the fact is that all biological processes are profoundly disgusting. We bury our dead because if we left them out to rot it would remind us that we are all pollutants. Nothing but water degraded with nitrogen and carbon and cadmium and phosphorus and arsenic and lithium and every variety of comic book supervillain shit that makes a nuclear reactor seem pristine by comparison.

Universal sterility; the extinction of the human race after my generation, why not?
You may speak of biological imperatives, but you know as well as I do that there's no such God damned thing. Life on earth is nothing but a funny quirk of chemistry; coming from nothing and leading to nothing. Reproduce, and in five generations your genetic input will be statistically irrelevant. Fathers be good to your daughters.

The extinction of the human race, why not? It is highly doubtful that we're ever going to be any smarter than we are now, and we're certainly never going to get any cleaner, do you really want to subject future generations to eighty years of wondering around and feeling so damned silly?

2 comments:

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