Larry Craig is an amusing fellow

Conservative men have always fascinated me, mainly because I don't believe there is any such thing as a man having an objective appreciation for the manliness of other men. Masculinity can not be coolly admired from a distance as if it were a wall mural. One either wants to be ravished by testosterone or is indifferent to it.

Although it is the logical conclusion of what I believe, I have never gone so far as to say that ALL conservative men are closet homosexuals. Perhaps there is some other explanation for the obsessive demand for strong, decisive, hard, steely, bulging, straining, groaning, sweat-covered leadership. I could be wrong. Maybe these fellows simply had good relationships with their own fathers, and aren't actually being driven mad with their hidden desire for a daddy. But then there's these incidents that keep happening; Jeff Gannon strolling through White House security to verbally fellate the president at a press conference, his ease in doing so strongly suggesting that he has a boyfriend somewhere in the West Wing, Mark Foley's epic search for an eromenos warmed the hearts of all of us longing for a return to classical values, and now we hear that Idaho Republican Senator Larry Craig was trying to get busy in an airport bathroom. Accusations of cruising have hounded Craig for a long time. An old frat brother says that Craig hit on him at his pledge. (Seriously, what was he expecting?) and another man (closely tied to the republican party, meaning what who knows) reported having oral sex with Craig in the D.C. Union station bathroom in 2004.

It is impossible to imagine anything more foul than committing any sort of sex act in a Washington D.C. public bathroom, and to be fair the story is just hearsay. All the same, there are an awful lot of people shouting fire about the senator, and, sweet Jesus God a D.C. bathroom.

In North Platte there is this woman named Sue, she is a lifelong friend of my mother's and has always been something of an aunt to me. She had a boyfriend some who owned a white astrovan. One night he pulled his van to the side of the road as I was drunkenly walking home and asked me if I wanted my dick sucked. But I suppose that's neither here nor there. I bought a white astrovan on Sunday, just so you know.

Studies have shown that many men who frequent glory holes don't consider themselves gay, indeed their identities are often fiercely hetero and masculine. They just like to suck a little dick every now and then is all, for the same simple reason other men barbecue or go fly-fishing together. If one were to go by the demographics of the se men,(white, middle-class and blue-collar) it can be assumed that the majority of them vote Republican. Now that I think of it, it has been some time since a major Republican officeholder has been in a sex scandal involving a woman.


But no. As much as I love hyperbole, I still can't bring myself to say that all conservative men are gay. It's statistically impossible. It would simply be prejudicial, slanderous, to say something so outrageous and unprovable.

Or maybe I'm just afraid of the implications. The G.O.P., after all, still controls the executive branch of government; meaning the business end of government. Much as the brain is unable to conceive of its own death, it may well be that the thought of federal law enforcement agencies and the military being run by closet-case pinheads looking for something socially acceptable to pin their love of penis upon is so horrifying that my mind must reject it to preserve its own sanity.

After all, if this were the case, it's safe to say that the Pentagon and the FBI would be behaving exactly as they are now.