Déardaoin, Aibreán 26, 2007

Part 18: Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis.

Like I've said, none of us have cable, so while we are awake during traditional infomercial hours we have no idea what the dinosaurs who still watch TV for entertainment actually watch at that time of night. I remember my childhood, sitting awake at two in the morning, wanting to watch Cinemax but worried that my mom would catch me, so I watched Jack Palance pimping his juice tiger instead. The sight of so many full-grown idiots had a real effect on me, helped to make me who I am. I came to realize that the only thing sillier than society are the people who take it seriously, and that the best jobs go to those who make fun of it. Infomercials, George Carlin, Bevis and Butthead, and Ween. Ah yes, halcyon days. So ever since I became elite I've been a little curious about advances in infomercial technology.

Apparently these Extenze commercials have been around for some time. There's an old version hosted by Ron Jeremy. Though I must say it really fails to measure up to expectations. Jeremy's show follows the same formula as the new version that we saw. Man on the street interviews (Extenze is used by every man in Los Angeles.) A quick interview to see what the women folk think ("Does size matter?" Oh definitely.")

The word penis is never used. The purpose behind this directorial choice is unclear. Penis can be used freely on the nightly news. This is a late-night infomercial on basic cable. Perhaps the Extenze Corporation expects is customer base to be composed of middle-aged men, pillars of society responsible for upholding public decency. Still, this is easily Ron Jeremy's most disappointing work.

We first encountered the Extenze commercial on the first night, in Gordon. the results were immediate, it was amazing, certainly funnier than anything you'll read here. The man-on-the-street-interviews were gold. ("Yeah, I've heard of Extenze. I use it in fact. It's uhhh, nice! It really, uhhh, works."
"Well, what do you mean"
"Well, I'm, you know, bigger."
"Bigger how?'
"Well, you know."
"Oh yeah, I think I do.")

The women:
"Does size matter"
"Oh, definitely. (Delivered in monotone)
"If your boyfriend was bigger, down there, would you have sex more often?"
"Oh yeah!" (Also in monotone)
"I was in a relationship for seven years and I hardly ever had sex with my boyfriend because, you know, he just didn't have the confidence because he didn't feel, adequate."

Oh, unconsummated love! Don't be a small-cock tease ladies. Let your man know how you don't feel. Don't let both of your youths go hopelessly frigid. If you are unable to say the word penis to your own boyfriend, well, that's perfectly understandable. Just make the call to Extenze yourself and they will understand.

The highlight of the show is undoubtedly Dr. Stein. Stein runs the Stein Institute for Sexual Health and Happiness in L.A. (Cut to shot of institute, (I'd bet twenty dollars that the entire building is stuffed with shredded gift-wrap.) His credentials include appearing on several national television programs.

"Is it normal for men to want to be 'bigger'?" asked Edward R. Murrow.
"Oh definitely" said Stein. "I think that no matter what a man's size, weather he's below average, average, or even a little above average, he could always stand to be a little bigger."

"Is there real science behind Extenze?"
"Ah yes, Extenze is a complex blend of twenty-six different Nutrisuticals. All of them with the potential to improve a man's sexual performance."

Cut to the hotel room in Gordon. We laughed for five minutes at the mention of "Nutrisuticals" and than I turned the channel. We thought that we had seen all there was to see. So I returned to inventing the concept of videotaping myself and we went to bed soon after.

The next night, in Rushville, after Dan and Paul returned from oblivion, we were all sitting about the room reflecting upon the day, everyone more insomnia-giddy than drunk now. We were mocking the, how you say?, emotions we had felt in Whiteclay to re-acculturate ourselves to the world. Reasserting our English majorinity after showing vulnerability in front of outsiders and each other. The philosophies are the life, bitch! Take that proletariat.

The TV was still on. I flipped a few channels and, what do you know? Stein wasn't done yet.

Murrow continued his grilling.

"Does Extenze really work"
"Absolutely"
"When you heard that Extenze can add up to four inches to a man's size in less than a week, didn't you feel a little bit skeptical."
"........ No....... Not at all"
"Would you recommend Extenze to your patients?"
"Absolutely, in fact...........
....... I'm using it right now."

I can't stress how important it was that we saw the end of the interview. For one thing, there actually is such a thing as a "nutrisutical". Or at least, there are people who claim they exist. What does the scientific community outside the new age health shop think of the concept? Who the hell cares? The point is that Stein didn't actually invent the word on the spot, and that's a real let-down.

But "Did you ever feel skeptical" "No not at all" totally makes up for it. Never again will I seek medical advice from a doctor, a so-called scientist, prone towards skepticism. No, I will stay virile into my eighties thanks to the unyielding belief of Dr. Stein. He's appeared on several nationally televised programs. All hail the new age of faith.

The program came to a head. It was nearly four in the morning now. We talked awhile about how awe-inspiring the program we had just watched was. It was just the thing we needed after a day like this. Then the conversation turned to how tired we were and how good it would be to sleep the whole next day away. We stayed awake for another hour discussing our hunger for sleep, then we actually got around to it.

This was, without doubt, the central day of the trip. We had found whatever it was we were looking for. Now the question was what to do on our last day. The night before, when the Hurricane first made landfall, I had angrily demanded that we go to Wounded Knee at some point. Just the thing to do on a drunken lark you know. First, we would sleep.

And in closing, here's the suggestive images you've surely been looking for.

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1 comment:

dannyminick said...

LMAO I just saw this commercial and googled Dr. Stein to see if he really had a Medical group. The picture of the building looked photoshopped to me. Nice article!