Déardaoin, Eanáir 04, 2007

Hello Mr. Beran

We hope you enjoy your trip on Amtrak today, gee, it must be nice going someplace warm this time of year, gonna snow bird it are ya? I have a grandmother living in a nursing home in Pheonix and she says it's just beautiful, no weather at all. I'll just need to see your I.D. before I let you board.

"No problem"

Alright than, and your social security number?


Very good sir, and could you confirm the date of birth, just to make sure?


I'm afraid that just doesn't sound right.

"It's right there on my drivers license"

I know what it says on your driver's license, Mr. Beran, it's just seems a little too, cute, you know.

"What's 'cute' about it?"

I don't know, the way the number of the month and the day matches up, just seems funny.

"Are you kidding?"

Don't get smart with me Mr. Beran. You'll see how much I'm kidding when I throw you off this train and call the police.

"What the hell? I'm just as likely to be born on April 4th, or June 6th, or December 12th, as on any other date"

It doesn't seem likely

"Why not, somebody is born every day, and this was the day I was born on"

Well I've never met anyone who had a birthday where the month and date matched up and I've never seen any passangers on the train with that sort of birthday. I'm afraid you'll have to come with me.

"You can't be serious" There are thousands of people who board this train every year.

Yes and I remember them all.

"No you don't"

Excuse me sir. 'Security to car 26, security to car 26 we have a hostile situation.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?"

If you talk to me in that tone of voice Mr. Beran we will have to assume that you have some violent intent. We at Amtrak are fully aware of how important we are to American comerce and culture and we know it's only a matter of time before somebody tries to attack us. Now I'm not accusing you of anything but you are clearly dishonest and unstable. We have to take precautions.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus

It's against federal law to use that name in vain Mr. Beran

"Look, just listen to me for a minute. There is nothing biological about calended dates. They are a totally human invention. A day where the date matches up with the month is just like any other day. there is nothing on heaven or earth to prevent me, you, or anybody else from being born on such a day."

Until now, sir, I only had a faint idea about just how profoundly your madness has affected you. You are without question a threat to yourself and others, a varitable walking time bomb. a padded cell and soup out of a metal bowl is the only hope for you, nothing but alphebet soup for the rest of your days; otherwise you're bound to hang yourself with Chicken Noodle. Here comes the guard now, I bid you good day sir, let's see if Allah can get you out of this.

Get on the floor now!

"But I didn't do anything"

Shut the fuck up and get on the floor before I tase you through your scrotum

"What the hell is wrong with you people?"

What is your major malfunction? I own you sugertits!

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