The Worst Place in Nebraska

Those of us who live in Nebraska often wonder which depraved, knuckle dragging hell hole is the worst. Common sense would tell us that this must be somewhere in the Sandhills; where tiny villages are seperated by 50 miles of grass, ranchers live with delusions of being English aristocracy, and everyone lives under rules that we aren't meant to understand and would do well not to ask about.

A nice wild card would be the Omaha exurbs, say Elkhorn or Gretna. Here we have gentlemen who keep camo-colored hunting equipment in their $20,000, immaculate garages. They might even go hunting one or two days a year, as long as they can take the kids along and pretend that they have any tradition or culture. These are the assholes who keep both talk radio and classic rock radio in business, so that "More Than A Feeling" is actually played more today than when it was on the charts.

It's been said before by smarter people, but baby boomers truly are assholes. Not my parents of course, but everyone else's. The sense of entitlement is obsene. Millions of people who truly believe they earned the $500,000 plastic box they live in, who make a wreck of the future secured for them by their fathers and promised to their children. These West Omaha types, especially, consider themselves country boys. They live in Nebraska after all. Real country boys, however, don't mind driving two hours to get to town. Contrast this with the truly demonic anger seen in the faces of a typical Millard driver stuck in one of Omaha's 10-minute "traffic jams". "Why the fuck does it take so long to get to Ruby Tuesday's? Don't the laws of physics have any idea who I am?"

But where was I?

Aw yes. I'm afraid that not even this concrete and golf course shithole qualifies as the worst place in Nebraska. This would be Falls City, halfway between Kansas City and Omaha in the southeast corner of the state.

First of course, there is the Teena Brandon murders. Who could forget this inspirational stand for traditional values? In fairness, it's not as if John Lotter and Tom Nissen would have been perfectly nonviolent if not for a little intolerance. These are truly fucked up dudes who likely would have slaughtered anyone who went near Lotter's ex-girlfriend. The real black mark to Falls City was the way Brandon was treated by local authorities after he was raped. (Why do you make girls think you're a guy?" "Do you kiss them.?") The sheriff's department, as you know, did nothing to protect Brandon until he and two other people were dead. Local authorities did do a good job of prosecuting the killers. Dead bodies, after all, don't have weird and unnatural desires .

A decade later, it's third world style wedding bells. Yes, the Koso wedding, in which a 21 year old married his pregnant, pubesicent sweetheart. It might have been the biggest news in the state during the second half of last year. And why not? There was controversy, after all, about whether or not the elder Koso should go to jail.

What's that you say? "Why the hell was there any controversy? He's a fucking child molestor!" Calm down. You see, marriage means something round these here parts. Many of the Koso's family and neighbors were angered that a man would be locked up by the state instead of being left alone to take care of his family. True, most of these same people would be loudly demanding his execution if he buggered a 13-year old boy. True, you can bet your Cadillac that everyone in Falls City voted for DOMA, so that two 40-year-old gay lovers can't get so much as common dental insurance in this state. What can I say? Marriage means something around these parts. Our purpose in life, especially for a female, is to reproduce and fullfill our natural gender roles. So what if little Peggy got a head start? What else was she going to do, go to college? Tut, tut. Mothers who send their daughters to college will never be grandmothers. They just end up with bitter ungrateful socialists who can't even make it back to Falls City for Christmas.

Now we have the story of an unfortunate incident with Falls City police. For a change, , this story doesn't involve ignorance, intolerance, or inbreeding, just stupidity.

It involved the arrest of one Ann Marx, a middle aged woman with a pill problem. The local authorities somehow got word that she was planning to score some blues from a Falls City nursing home resident.

So naturally, they treated this border-line felony as if it was bin Laden trading coke for favors at the local grade school. They hid behind bushes, and talked code to each other in that real cool cop talk. When Marx emerged, they swooped down with guns drawn. For reasons that aren't entirely clear, a deputy named Tom Landis fired his gun into Marx's head and killed her. (Case under investigation, details suspisciously hazy.) The case has been more complicated by the grandstanding of state Attorney General Jon Bruning, who overdramatized a routine gag order from a local judge.

But none of this is important. The important thing is that Falls City is safe from a shifty Xanex head. "You know, they got drugs up there in the city, they sell drugs. Good thing Sheriff nipped this thing in the bud"

Worst place in Neb... the entire Midwest.