I Demand Mandatory Steroid Use

"Mitchell: It's not just baseball of course, Charlie. Kids aren't just baseball fans, they are sports fans. It's every sport in which young people look up to prominent athletes. And as Don Hooten -- who I quoted today -- told Congress in 2005, "Kids do what they see the pros doing." And one of the most shocking aspects of this entire investigation to me…was to learn that hundreds of thousands of our children -- American youngsters -- are using steroids, placing themselves at great risk. And it must be emphasized, that the effect of steroids on youngsters, can be much greater than that on adults, because they are already going through serious hormonal changes in their life."

George Mitchell, from ABC News interview Transcript http://abcnews.go.com/WN/Story?id=3995794&page=2

Boo-fucking-hoo. The question, as far as I see it, is not how athletes can be better role models for children, but why are athletes considered role models for children? If your children have any more admiration for professional athletes than they do for rodeo clowns, you have failed as a parent, and if you, God forbid, have any more admiration for athletes than you do for rodeo clowns, you have failed as a human being.

And what is the purpose of a rodeo clown except to entertain? I for one was delighted to see major-league baseball turn into an absurdest-Tecmo parade of nothing but home runs and strikeouts. Have you seen any of the Dodgers-Yankees World Series' from the fifties, with all of that strategy and shit? The modern game is much better, and the only way to make it better still is to make steroid use mandatory in Major League Baseball in and all professional sports leagues. It's a can't lose proposition for any sports fan unburdened by morality; more home runs, more killer blocks and bruising runs, more dunks, more savage beatings, more random weeping, players dying of liver failure before they get the chance to embarrass themselves as TV commentators, and children learning the most valuable lesson of all; that success goes to those with the most contempt for their fellow man.

I read a playboy interview in which a linebacker for I believe the Steelers said that sacking the quarterback felt better than any orgasm he had had. With any luck, the influence of steroids will lead to men literally cumming on the field from the pleasure of causing another man pain. I want to see Teddy Bruschi writhing and moaning on the field for five minutes and be left unable to stand up every time he makes a tackle. I want to see quarterbacks and running backs go home to their trophy wives looking like Japanese school girls.

This is why we watch. this is why we love the game.