"Who Will Rise Up" by Jed Smock.

The highlight of the UNL school year is when Matt "The Sledge" Bourgoult comes to town in the early fall to damn all of us potty-mouthed, fornicating, drinking, smoking, queer-loving bunch of hippy freaks. As amusing as brother Matt is, though, he's not very smart. The man clearly gets his cues from someone higher up in his church who's more well-versed in rhetoric. As amusing as brother Matt is, that's all he is.

Jed Smock, the godfather of confratational campus preachers, is quite disturbingly smart. He has this ability to switch from phony down-home simplicity to phony intellectualism on a whim. Just the kind of man who actually could convert some guilty confused college kid looking for an excuse to never ask questions again.

Smock is still funny, or at least outrageous. (Same thing to me) His "Parable of the Five Dormies" is an absolute classic. Five strapping young lads are led astray by filthy, Godless whores. Brian hooks up with "Lustful Lisa" and has too much sex to study.* Fred catches an STD from "Sexy Sarah" and loses his chance to marry the pure virgin girl back home. "Horny Harry" is led so far astray by "Rock and roll Rhonda" that he becomes a homosexual and "probably has AIDS disease".

(*There is some truth to this, or at least truth in its opposite. Sexual frustration can be good for one's studies. "I'm going to analyze you so hard you won't be able to walk straight Othello.")

Harry's story is the climax of the parable. It's the oldest story in the world. A man's lust for dirty girls leads him to have sex with other men. When one reads Smocks' parable, logically decoding each word and sentence, it's easy to see how incredibly stupid it is. But this is a story that, much like late-era Queen, is best appreciated live. Just try to imagine Smock standing on a campus quad, surrounded by hundreds of detractors shouting out "Harry, you're a queer... Harry you lust after men, Harry, you're a Ho-mo-sex-u-al".

Boom.

As for the man himself, he's everything that you would expect. Persecution complex, love of himself projected onto his love for the "Lord". He spends a lot of time talking about his ancestry. He hates evolution and any suggestion that our existance is our own. The man has an obvious hatred for his own freedom that leads him to believe in a God who has predetermined everyone's purpose and demands that everyone lives under the same precise rules.

"There must be a book to reveal what life is all about." Not once did I ever consider the BIBLE" Brother Jed- as a wayward youth.

Smock has a desdain for "compromisers." Christian groups who try to convert the lost sheep with love and fellowship and whatnot. Jed argues that more souls can be saved by giving them the blunt truth of why we're going to hell and why we deserve it.

Smock was a dirty hippie in his youth. "I was not satisfied with a few 'tokes' or a few 'joints' but the very next weekend, I was back at the Haight to 'score my own lid'" He joined the academic elite where "I taught a communistic interpretation of the past and presented the lie of evolution as fact." He travelled to Morocco and joined a commune, but he was somehow unsatisfied "How much more natural can I become? I've been a good hippie." until an old schoolmate led him to Jesus in a Burger King parking lot, giving us the man we know and love today.

Most of us wrestle with the conflict between pleasing ourselves and serving society, between being a good friend and a solid citizen, but not Jed. The compromise-hating preacher has never even tried to be a balanced person. He has spent his entire life at one extreme or the other, and whose fault is it? Why, it's the socialists and the Darwinists and the Freudians and especially the feminists. What an asshole.

Smock married Dorthy Vallens, AKA Cindy Smock, in 1981. He was thirty-eight, she was twenty and clearly looking for the eternal father that Jed was more than happy to be. Cindy was a "disco queen" who was hard at work leading young men to ruin before Smock visited her campus in 1980. The girl was intrigued by Smock and decided to ask him out.
"Brother Jed, can I take you to dinner?"
"No, but I will take you. First, go homw and put on some modest clothes."

Eventually, she was totally coverted and saved from the Godless hedonism of the university.

"In May, God called me to quit school and begin harvesting the college and university campuses."

In addition to the expected hatred of homosexuals, Smock also has a deep disdain for "sissies" "pansies" and and effemenate men that could only be called a fixation. (Matt "the sledge" has a similar obsesssion.) You may have also noticed a somewhat unhealthy attitude towards women, but you really have no clue. You don't know what misogyny is. I don't know what misogyny is, or at least, not before now. Not before brother Jed laid his knowledge on me.

"A very spiritual Christian girl was by where I was preaching, and I called her a whore for wearing jeans."
"Many of the masectomies performed today may be a result of God's judgement on women for using their breasts as mere sex objects not desiring to have a baby."
"Since many use birth control, and others are murdering their own babies, God is making them disgracefully barren."
"Cindy has not disobeyed me once! Be God's grace, I have not failed to cherish her and give honor to her as the weaker vessel."
"Every woman has a God-given desire to marry and bear children for a man who will lovingly rule over her."
"After Eve's sin, God saw that since the woman is a more emotional being and more prone to be deceived by her sensibilities, she needs the leadership of a man who is governed by reason."
"Jesus taught us all to take the attitude of the servent. But the women of this generation are selfish, and they have been duped by the women-libbers, many of whom are lesbians."
"No wonder there are so many rapes on college campuses. These girls walking and jogging around campus with their shorts so short that their buttocks hang out are just asking for it. They might as well have a sign on their back saying 'rape me, rape me, rape me.'

Let's be clear; this sort of hatred for the vagina can only come from a man who feels forced to love it. I'm sure it's been said before, but it needs to be said again. Jed Smock is gay. Jim Smock fantisises about being a Roman lictor and making the naked Christ bleed. When Jed Smock is done having sex with Cindy, the first thing he does is rush to the bathroom and turn on the shower to hide the sound of his own vomiting.He than spends half an hour washing his member raw in a vain attempt to clense himself of the filthy, filthy vaginal juices.

Jed and Cindy have five children. They are all daughters. Take that bitch.

According to "Who will rise up" Jed and Cindy viseted UNL in the fall of 1991. I don't know if they have been here since than, but I really hope that they come here this year while I still have a chance to experience the master in action as a student.

I could go on and on about ole Jed, from his thoughts on masturbation, "Your masturbator of today is very likely to be your homosexual of tomorrow," to child discipline, "I've become an 'old pro' at using the rod." But I think the most importan lesson that Jed can teach us comes from the "Courtship and marraige" chapter in which he tells us everything we need to know about himself and othere who hate their own humanity,

"Our goal is to repopulate the earth with people who think and act like we do."

My goal is to meet your daughter sometime.